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Call a women beautiful 1000 times and she will never notice.

call her fat once and she will never forget.

that's because elephants never forget.
 
An older Gent and his lovely wife enter a pub and walk up to the bar.
The Husband asks the wife to order him his usual because he has to use the Gents.
As she waits to gets the busy barmans attention, she notices a young man next to her staring.
"Can I help you?" she said.
"I would just love to fondle your breasts!" Said the young man.
Dirty b'stard, she thought.
"That's not all, I would also love to lift up your dress and smother your bum with kisses! "
Absolutely disgraceful, dirty little b'stard, she thought again!
"That's not all he said, I'd really love to turn you upside down, completely fill your Jack&Danny with beer, and drink it all!"
Just then her Husband returned from the Gents.
"Bobby" she called to her Hubby panicking.
"What's up Treacle"
"This young upstart has just said he'd like to fondle my breasts!"
"Dirty little b'stard" said Bobby, whilst rolling up one sleeve.
"That's not all, he also said he'd love to smother my bum in kisses".
"F#@k that, dirty little b'stard" said Bobby whilst rolling up his other sleeve, "I'm gonna f#@k'n kill him"!
"Thats not all, he then said that he'd love to turn me upside down, fill my Jack@Danny with beer and drink it!"
Jack then started to roll both of his sleeves back down, and grabbed his coat.
"What are you doing" asked Bobbys wife. "Take him out an give him a beating"
"Bollox", said Bobby. "Any man that can hold that much beer, I'm not about to f#@k with!"
 
This is a story about a couple who had been happily married for years.The only friction in their marriage was the husband"s habit of farting loudly every morning when he awoke. The noise would wake his wife and he smell would make her eyes water and make her gasp for air.Every morning she would plead with him to stop ripping them off because it was making her sick. He told her he couldn"t stop it and that it was perfectly natural. She told him to see a doctor as she was concerned that one day he would blow his guts out.The years went by and he continued to rip them out. Then one Sunday morning as she was preparing the chicken for dinner and he was upstairs sound asleep, she looked at the innards and neck, gizzard, liver and all the spare parts and a malicious thought came to her.She took the bowl and went upstairs where her husband was sound asleep and, gently pulling the bed covers back, she pulled back the elastic waistband of his underpants and emptied the bowl of chicken guts into his shorts.Some time later she heard her husband waken with his usual trumpeting which was followed by a blood curdling scream and the sound of frantic footsteps as he ran into the bathroom. The wife could hardly control herself as she rolled on the floor laughing, tears in her eyes! After years of torture she reckoned she had got him back pretty well...About twenty minutes later, her husband came downstairs in his bloodstained underpants with a look of horror on his face. She bit her lip as she asked him what was the matter.He said, "Honey you were right! All these years you have warned me and I didn"t listen to you"."What do you mean?" asked his wife."Well, you always told me that one day I would end up farting my guts out, and today it finally happened"."But by the grace of god, some Vaseline and two fingers. I think I got most of them back in".
 
There was a young lady quite odd
who wanted a baby from God
But was not the Almighty
that popped up her nighty
but the Vicar the dirty old sod............Regards Turnpin:rofl:
 
Saint Peter had a terrible cold and fever and didn't think he would last the day minding the Pearly Gates of Heaven. So he phoned Jesus to ask for the day off.

"Why, Peter," Jesus said. "You know your health is my first concern. Take as much time as you need."

As Jesus pondered who he might use to replace Peter, he decided to handle the job himself.

It was a very slow day and no one approached the Gates until late in the afternoon, when in the distance, Jesus saw a bent, white-haired old man slowly making his way up the path with the aid of a gnarled cane.

As the man neared, Jesus said, "Good afternoon, sir. How may I help you?"

"Well," replied the man, "I was hoping to enter the Gates of Heaven."

"We would certainly love to have you," said Jesus, "but we do have certain rules as to who can enter Heaven. Tell me, what have you done to deserve such an honor?"

"Actually, I have done nothing so wonderful myself," said the man. "I lived in a small town and led a simple life as a carpenter. But my son," he continued, "now HE was special!"

With pride in his voice he said, "I raised him to be a carpenter like myself and did my best to teach him right from wrong. And when he grew older, an amazing transformation overcame him and to this day he's known throughout the world and loved by all alike."

As Jesus listened to the story, a sense of recognition came to him. With a lump in his throat and a tear in his eye, he threw open his arms and cried, "Father!"

Emotional at this outburst, the old man threw open his arms and yelled, "Pinocchio!"
 
At a party thrown for fairy tale figures Snow White got a little tipsy and decided to try her luck with Pinocchio and when finaly she seduced him to the bedroom and stripped right off and with Pinocchio laid out on the bed she positioned herself so as to sit on his faced and let out a cry ......lie Pinocchio lie.....lol regards Turnpin:smile5:
 
The teacher gave her fifth grade class an assignment: Get their parents to tell them a story with a moral at the end of it.

The next day, the kids came back and, one by one, began to tell their stories.

There were all the regular types of stuff: Spilled milk and pennies saved. But then the teacher realized, that only Janie was left.

"Janie, do you have a story to share?"

'Yes ma'am. My daddy told me a story about my Mommy. She was a Marine pilot in Desert Storm, and her plane got hit. She had to bail out over enemy territory, and all she had was a flask of whiskey, a pistol, and a survival knife.


She drank the whiskey on the way down so the bottle wouldn't break, and then she parachuted right into the middle of 20 Iraqi troops.

She shot 15 of them with the pistol, until she ran out of bullets, killed four more with the knife, till the blade broke, and then she killed the last Iraqi with her bare hands."

''Good Heavens, 'said the horrified teacher. What did your Daddy tell you was the moral to this horrible story'?"

"Don't **** with Mommy when she's been drinking."
 
Walking back from the pub the other night I heard a noise in someone's bin. I took a look and found a cat. I picked it up and looked it over and couldn't help thinking who'd throw out a perfectly good cat like that!
 
That reminds me of a time when I was walking home through a maze of a housing estate around 1am in the morning after a good night out and a ruddy fox jumped out of a wheellie bin right beside me, Jeez did that make me jump!
 
I met an older woman at a bar last night. She looked pretty good for a 60-year-old. In fact, she wasn't too bad at all, and I found myself thinking she probably had a really hot daughter. We drank a couple of beers, and she asked if I'd ever had a Sportsman's Double? 'What's that? I asked. 'It's a mother and daughter threesome,' she said. As my mind began to embrace the idea, and I wondered what her daughter might look like, I said, 'No, I haven't.' We drank a bit more, then she said with a wink, 'tonight's your lucky night'. We went back to her place. We walked in. She put on the hall light and shouted upstairs: 'Mom...you still awake?'
 
A man walks into a church confessional and says to the priest, “Bless me, father, for I have sinned. I was with seven different women last night.”
The priest is silent for a moment, and then says, “Go home and cut seven lemons in half. Squeeze the juice into a glass and drink it down in one gulp.”
“And I’ll be forgiven?” asks the man.
“No,” replies the priest, “but it will wipe that ****ing smirk off your face.”
 
I thought new girlfriend might actually be the "one", but after looking through her knicker drawer and finding a nurses outfit, a french maid's outfit, and a police woman's uniform I finally decided that if she cant hold down a frugging job she's not the one for me.
 
when Ebola hits the uk there's only one thing we can do....
Take petes car,go to mums,kill Philip,grab Liz Go to the Winchester....
and have a nice cold pint and wait for all this to blow over
 
when Ebola hits the uk there's only one thing we can do....
Take petes car,go to mums,kill Philip,grab Liz Go to the Winchester....
and have a nice cold pint and wait for all this to blow over

Cracking film that.
 
I love this parody of another of my favourite films.

[video=youtube_share;NS55AnZ-Cbs]http://youtu.be/NS55AnZ-Cbs[/video]
 
Oldham athletic have said no to ched Evans , he took that as a yes and starts on Monday morning.
 
Another Ched Evans rumour is that he has just turned down a 3 year deal with Bradford City, he said he could not risk ruining his reputation anymore.
 
Scientists now believe that if you ********** frequently... you have a greater chance of developing Tourettes in later life....How the **** do these ****-brained ****ing arseholes come up with these cock-sucking,****ing titwank ideas is beyond me,...for ****s sake,*******s.
 
I was ice-skating today just minding my own business when I noticed some big fat bird kept giving me the eye.
Eventually she came over. "Hi there, I'm a bit shy I'm not very good at breaking the ice," she laughed.
I asked "Have you tried jumping ?"
 
Scientists now believe that if you ********** frequently... you have a greater chance of developing Tourettes in later life....How the **** do these ****-brained ****ing arseholes come up with these cock-sucking,****ing titwank ideas is beyond me,...for ****s sake,*******s.
Worshipful master(bater) [emoji38] [emoji38] [emoji38] [emoji38]
 
My girlfriend got drunk last night and passed out, only to awake this morning and complain that her arse was hurting.
So much for, "What you don't know can't hurt you."
 
I'm here to investigate the gas leak love:
20150112_072706_zpsxqelzajv.jpg
 
I started my job as a bingo caller last night and halfway through calling the the numbers i farted loudly.

my boss immediately came and said to me "dont do that again"

"sorry" i said "it must be nerves"

" fair enough" he replied " but there was no need to hold the microphone to your arse"
 
Fred and Mary got married, but can't afford a honeymoon, so they go back to Fred's parent's home for their first night together.
In the morning, Johnny, Fred's little brother, gets up and has his breakfast. As he is going out of the door to go to school, he asks his mother if Fred and Mary are up yet.
She replies, "No".
Johnny asks, "Do you know what I think?"
His mother replies, "I don't want to hear what you think! Just go to school."
Johnny comes home for lunch and asks his mother, "Are Fred and Mary up yet?"
She replies, "No."
Johnny says, "Do you know what I think?"
His mother replies, "Never mind what you think! Eat your lunch and go back to school."
After school, Johnny comes home and asks again, "Are Fred and Mary up yet?"
His mother says "No."
He asks, "Do you know what I think?"
His mother replies, "OK, do tell me what you think?"
He says: "Last night Fred came to my room for the Vaseline and I think I gave him my airplane glue."
 
Good news, docs reckon my knees are ok and I'm fit enough to return to work. He showed me my xray.FB_20150125_20_35_34_Saved_Picture.jpg
 
Do you think that when a Jehovah witness dies and gets to heaven, that God hides behind the gates and pretends he's not in?
 
Do you think that when a Jehovah witness dies and gets to heaven, that God hides behind the gates and pretends he's not in?
They have to find & get past Pete first, he's on the inside tucked behind the lefthand gate. God made a dash for it upstair as soon as he saw them coming down the path. LOL

I don't know why but that picture has me cracking up !!!:wings:
Somebody must love em.
 
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A vampire bat came flapping in from the night, face all covered in fresh blood, and parked himself on the roof of the cave to get some sleep.

Pretty soon all the other bats smelt the blood and began hassling him about where he got it. He told them to **** off and let him get some sleep, but they persisted until he finally gave in.

"OK, follow me", he said and flew out of the cave with hundreds of bats behind him. Down through a valley they went, across a river and into a huge forest of trees. Finally he slowed down and all the other bats excitedly milled around him, tongues hanging out for blood.

"Do you see that large oak tree over there?" he asked.

"YES, YES, YES!!!!" the bats all screamed in a frenzy.

"Good!" said the first bat, "Because I ****ing didn't!".
 
What do you call a lesbian with fat fingers?...........well endowed of course....lol regards Turnpin:rofl:
 
Youngest son told me this he saw it on f/b ..
two young boys decide they will swear when Mum gets the breakfast ready.....What do you want for your breakfast Tommy
Cornflakes b**ch....slap the Mother strikes him across the face knocking him off his chair to the floor where he sits sobbing whilst rubbing his face......and what do you want she asks the other boy .......well I ******* dont want the cornflakes he replied!......regards Turnpin:rofl:
 
A guy bumps into his pal in the bar....how's the new job in supermarket going he ask's..........got fired after two day's ....what happened he ask's....got caught putting me c@ck in the bacon slicer when I thought no one was looking.........Wow what did they do with the bacon slicer......oh they sacked her as well.....regards Turnpin:rofl:
 
one of my first saturday jobs was in a cooked meat shop the sign above the bacon slicer read
boys who sit on the bacon slicer get a little behind in their orders
 
Feeling shocked, my dad just phoned me at work to say he'd got sacked from his job on highways maintenance. But when i got home and thought about it the signs were all there.
 
A duck goes into a furniture store and says 'got any duck food?'
The guy at the counter says, 'sorry, we don't sell duck food'.
The little duck walks out.
The next day, same duck, same guy. 'Got any duck food?'
'Sorry little duck, I told you yesterday, no duck food here. '
The duck walks out.
Next day, again, 'got any duck food?'
The guy says 'No! we don't sell duck food! and if you come in here again I'm gonna nail your feet to the floor!'
The duck walks out. next day, duck walks in. 'Got any nails? '
The guy says 'what?... no'.
'...got any duck food?'
 
A man was walking his dog through the graveyard when he saw another man crouching behind a gravestone.


"Morning!" he said.


The other man replies, "No, just having a ****"
 
Just had a water fight over the park with a bunch of local kids.


I won!


No one's a match for me and my kettle.
 
A couple of naked lesbians barged into the house today, and started wrestling with my wife while she was in the bath.


I tried to help, but I could only knock one out.
 
An old man was in hospital. Lying in bed, he leaned over to the pretty young nurse attending to him and whispered in her ear
"Give us a kiss, luv!"


"No!", replied the nurse


"Oh go on!", said the man


"No!", replied the nurse again


"Please!", begged the old man, "Just a quick peck on the cheek?"


"For the last time, no!", said the nurse, "I shouldn't even be w4nking you off!"
 
A medical student was in the morgue one day after classes, getting a little practice in before the final exams. He went over to a table where a body was lying face down. he removed the sheet over the body and to his surprise he found a cork in the corpse's rectum. Figuring this was fairly unusual, he pulled the cork out, and to his surprise, music began playing "on the road again . . . just can't wait to get on the road again . . . "

The student was amazed, and placed the cork back in the rectum. the music stopped. Totally freaked out, the student called the mortician over to the corpse.

"Look at this. This is really something!" The student told the mortician as he pulled the cork back out again.

"On the road again . . . Just can't wait to get on the road again ... "

"So what?" The mortician replied, obviously
unimpressed with the student's discovery.

"But isn't that the most amazing thing you've ever seen?" Asked the student.

"Are you kidding?" Replied the mortician, "Any arsehole can sing country music....."
 
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