a monday pick me up contains adult humour

[Dotty]

A man walks into a church confessional and says to the priest, “Bless me, father, for I have sinned. I was with seven different women last night.”
The priest is silent for a moment, and then says, “Go home and cut seven lemons in half. Squeeze the juice into a glass and drink it down in one gulp.”
“And I’ll be forgiven?” asks the man.
“No,” replies the priest, “but it will wipe that ****ing smirk off your face.”

 

[newcastle phill]

I thought new girlfriend might actually be the "one", but after looking through her knicker drawer and finding a nurses outfit, a french maid's outfit, and a police woman's uniform I finally decided that if she cant hold down a frugging job she's not the one for me.

 

[Billy Bob Bob]

when Ebola hits the uk there's only one thing we can do....
Take petes car,go to mums,kill Philip,grab Liz Go to the Winchester....
and have a nice cold pint and wait for all this to blow over

 

[rpm]

when Ebola hits the uk there's only one thing we can do....
Take petes car,go to mums,kill Philip,grab Liz Go to the Winchester....
and have a nice cold pint and wait for all this to blow over

Cracking film that.

 

[Billy Bob Bob]

Cracking film that.

yep,seen it a few times

 

[Dotty]

I love this parody of another of my favourite films.

[video=youtube_share;NS55AnZ-Cbs]http://youtu.be/NS55AnZ-Cbs[/video]

 

[townfanjon]

Oldham athletic have said no to ched Evans , he took that as a yes and starts on Monday morning.

 

[gasmanrob]

Oldham athletic have said no to ched Evans , he took that as a yes and starts on Monday morning.

Im stealing that

 

[townfanjon]

Another Ched Evans rumour is that he has just turned down a 3 year deal with Bradford City, he said he could not risk ruining his reputation anymore.

 

[kirkgas]

Im stealing that

So am i

 

[mike-c]

I told the wife that we should experiment more in bed.

She bought me a chemistry set.

 

[Dotty]

Scientists now believe that if you ********** frequently... you have a greater chance of developing Tourettes in later life....How the **** do these ****-brained ****ing arseholes come up with these cock-sucking,****ing titwank ideas is beyond me,...for ****s sake,*******s.

 

[Dotty]

I was ice-skating today just minding my own business when I noticed some big fat bird kept giving me the eye.
Eventually she came over. "Hi there, I'm a bit shy I'm not very good at breaking the ice," she laughed.
I asked "Have you tried jumping ?"

 

[kay-jay]

Scientists now believe that if you ********** frequently... you have a greater chance of developing Tourettes in later life....How the **** do these ****-brained ****ing arseholes come up with these cock-sucking,****ing titwank ideas is beyond me,...for ****s sake,*******s.

Worshipful master(bater) [emoji38] [emoji38] [emoji38] [emoji38]

 

[Dotty]

My girlfriend got drunk last night and passed out, only to awake this morning and complain that her arse was hurting.
So much for, "What you don't know can't hurt you."

 

[IDCHAPPY]

I'm here to investigate the gas leak love:

 

[julesverne]

I started my job as a bingo caller last night and halfway through calling the the numbers i farted loudly.

my boss immediately came and said to me "dont do that again"

"sorry" i said "it must be nerves"

" fair enough" he replied " but there was no need to hold the microphone to your arse"

 

[Billy Bob Bob]

Fred and Mary got married, but can't afford a honeymoon, so they go back to Fred's parent's home for their first night together.
In the morning, Johnny, Fred's little brother, gets up and has his breakfast. As he is going out of the door to go to school, he asks his mother if Fred and Mary are up yet.
She replies, "No".
Johnny asks, "Do you know what I think?"
His mother replies, "I don't want to hear what you think! Just go to school."
Johnny comes home for lunch and asks his mother, "Are Fred and Mary up yet?"
She replies, "No."
Johnny says, "Do you know what I think?"
His mother replies, "Never mind what you think! Eat your lunch and go back to school."
After school, Johnny comes home and asks again, "Are Fred and Mary up yet?"
His mother says "No."
He asks, "Do you know what I think?"
His mother replies, "OK, do tell me what you think?"
He says: "Last night Fred came to my room for the Vaseline and I think I gave him my airplane glue."

 

[Masood]

I particularly like nos. 4 and 9...

 

[tamz]

3, 7 and starting to think 10 lol

 

[CES]

Good news, docs reckon my knees are ok and I'm fit enough to return to work. He showed me my xray.

 

[Dotty]

Feck.... Why did I like that?

 

[kay-jay]

Good news, docs reckon my knees are ok and I'm fit enough to return to work. He showed me my xray.View attachment 20699

Whats wrong conner? Is it a bit cold up there??[emoji3] [emoji3]

 

[bassmonster]

You sure that's not someone elses dongle?

 

[Dotty]

Do you think that when a Jehovah witness dies and gets to heaven, that God hides behind the gates and pretends he's not in?

 

[chris watkins]

Do you think that when a Jehovah witness dies and gets to heaven, that God hides behind the gates and pretends he's not in?

They have to find & get past Pete first, he's on the inside tucked behind the lefthand gate. God made a dash for it upstair as soon as he saw them coming down the path. LOL

I don't know why but that picture has me cracking up !!!:wings:
Somebody must love em.

 

[Billy Bob Bob]

A vampire bat came flapping in from the night, face all covered in fresh blood, and parked himself on the roof of the cave to get some sleep.

Pretty soon all the other bats smelt the blood and began hassling him about where he got it. He told them to **** off and let him get some sleep, but they persisted until he finally gave in.

"OK, follow me", he said and flew out of the cave with hundreds of bats behind him. Down through a valley they went, across a river and into a huge forest of trees. Finally he slowed down and all the other bats excitedly milled around him, tongues hanging out for blood.

"Do you see that large oak tree over there?" he asked.

"YES, YES, YES!!!!" the bats all screamed in a frenzy.

"Good!" said the first bat, "Because I ****ing didn't!".

 

[Billy Bob Bob]

 

[turnpin]

What do you call a lesbian with fat fingers?...........well endowed of course....lol regards Turnpin:rofl:

 

[turnpin]

Youngest son told me this he saw it on f/b ..
two young boys decide they will swear when Mum gets the breakfast ready.....What do you want for your breakfast Tommy
Cornflakes b**ch....slap the Mother strikes him across the face knocking him off his chair to the floor where he sits sobbing whilst rubbing his face......and what do you want she asks the other boy .......well I ******* dont want the cornflakes he replied!......regards Turnpin:rofl:

 

[julesverne]

........

 

[turnpin]

A guy bumps into his pal in the bar....how's the new job in supermarket going he ask's..........got fired after two day's ....what happened he ask's....got caught putting me c@ck in the bacon slicer when I thought no one was looking.........Wow what did they do with the bacon slicer......oh they sacked her as well.....regards Turnpin:rofl:

 

[stevetheplumber]

one of my first saturday jobs was in a cooked meat shop the sign above the bacon slicer read
boys who sit on the bacon slicer get a little behind in their orders

 

[julesverne]

Feeling shocked, my dad just phoned me at work to say he'd got sacked from his job on highways maintenance. But when i got home and thought about it the signs were all there.

 

[Rickster123]

A duck goes into a furniture store and says 'got any duck food?'
The guy at the counter says, 'sorry, we don't sell duck food'.
The little duck walks out.
The next day, same duck, same guy. 'Got any duck food?'
'Sorry little duck, I told you yesterday, no duck food here. '
The duck walks out.
Next day, again, 'got any duck food?'
The guy says 'No! we don't sell duck food! and if you come in here again I'm gonna nail your feet to the floor!'
The duck walks out. next day, duck walks in. 'Got any nails? '
The guy says 'what?... no'.
'...got any duck food?'