a monday pick me up contains adult humour

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re: a monday pick me up contains adult humour

wtf i've been asterisked out......its the name of the damn product lmao
 
re: a monday pick me up contains adult humour

A policeman sent his wife and child to a sea resort for a vacation. After a week he joined them in the hotel. As soon as he came to the hotel room he wanted to make love with his wife.

- No darling, we can't do it here, what if the kid wakes up?
- You are right, lets go to the beach.

They went to the empty beach and start to make love. All of a sudden, a policeman run into them.

- Put your cloths on immediately, shame on you, you can't do that in public.
- You are right - said the husband - but it was a moment of weakness. We didn't see each other for a week. By the way, I am a policeman too and it would be very embarrassing if you fine me.
- Don't worry, you are a colleague and it is your first time. But this is the third time I caught this tart making love on this beach in the last week and she will have to pay for it.​
 
re: a monday pick me up contains adult humour

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BELLY-BUTTON JEWELLERY CONTEST
.... AND THE WINNER IS?
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FLORIDA
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attachment.php

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A Very Close 2nd Place ! is...................










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attachment.php
 
re: a monday pick me up contains adult humour

try right cliciking over it and click show picture
 
re: a monday pick me up contains adult humour

that don't work either, says invalid attachment
 
re: a monday pick me up contains adult humour

can you see them now ?
 

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re: a monday pick me up contains adult humour

well ive booked a one way ticket to florida , put it that way
 
re: a monday pick me up contains adult humour

i did 3 year ago and look where thats got me
 
re: a monday pick me up contains adult humour

a plumber swops his wifes tampons for some party poppers well she says shes got a good sense of humour
 
re: a monday pick me up contains adult humour

My wife said she was leaving me because of my obsession with Take That.

Whatever I said, whatever I did, I didn't mean it
 
re: a monday pick me up contains adult humour

Guy walks in to a chemist n says to the man behind the counter
"ive got dinner tonight with my girlfriend i need to buy a condom. actually give me 3, her sisters the bomb and her mums still sexy"

in the middle of having dinner that night the girlfriends dad walks in. the guy immediatly bows his head and starts praying.
girlfriend says to him "i didnt know you were religious"
guy replies "i didnt know your dad was a chemist!"
 
re: a monday pick me up contains adult humour

nick clegg and david cameron were standing outside a school with a dog when they noticed all the children coming out and lifting up the dogs tail. Nick Clegg asked one of the boys "why are you doing this to the dog?" the boy replied "we got told there was a dog out here with 2 arseholes"
 
re: a monday pick me up contains adult humour

lying in bed with the wife i looked into her eyes and said "seeing your face reminds me of the lottery"
"is that because i'm worth millions to you " she said.
"no" i said "i wish you'd f***ing roll over"
 
re: a monday pick me up contains adult humour

281205_253539421323436_253534294657282_1147128_7030010_n.jpg ever fitted one of these before ?? lol
 
re: a monday pick me up contains adult humour

<img id="vbattach_3660" class="previewthumb" alt="" src="http://www.ukplumbersforums.co.uk/attachment.php?attachmentid=3660&amp;stc=1" attachmentid="3660">&nbsp;ever fitted one of these before ?? lol
 
re: a monday pick me up contains adult humour

A bloke walks into a pub and sees a sign hanging over the bar that reads "Cheese sandwich: 0.99; Chicken sandwich: 1.50; H*ndjob: 20.00"
Checking his wallet for the necessary payment, the man walks up to the bar and beckons to one of the three hot waitresses
"Yes" she inquires with a knowing smile. "Can I help you"
"I was wondering" whispers the man "Are you the one who gives the h*ndjobs?"
"Yes" she purrs. "Indeed I am"
The man replies "Well go and wash your hands I want a cheese sandwich"
 
re: a monday pick me up contains adult humour

I just saw a fat ginger bird buying a rape alarm. You gotta admire her optimism!
 
re: a monday pick me up contains adult humour

Spreading my arse cheeks, I said to my doctor, "Do you think those are piles hanging out my arse?"

He said, "Would you mind making an appointment to see me next week. I'm having a meal with my wife at the moment."
 
re: a monday pick me up contains adult humour

I went to see a doctor about a rash on my balls
The doctor said "You'll have to stop w@nking."
"why's that?" I asked
"Because I'm trying to examine you!"
 
re: a monday pick me up contains adult humour

wife comes out of the shower with a glint in her eye and says to me, i've just trimmed my ***** and you know what that means??
i sighed and said you've blocked the f-ing trap up again. i'll go and get my plunger
 
re: a monday pick me up contains adult humour

The BBC are reporting today that the Libyan leader Col Gaddafi last night slipped into Jordan. Is there nothing Katie Price won't do for publicity?
 
re: a monday pick me up contains adult humour

I took my ex wife bungee jumping at the weekend. She jumped first. As her neck snapped and her skull split open spraying blood all over the rocks below, My first thought was, "That'll teach you to lie about your weight"
 
re: a monday pick me up contains adult humour

A Glaswegian takes his girlfriend home for the first time and introduces her to his parents, "This is Amanda", his dad jumps up and says "It's a feckin what?????"
 
re: a monday pick me up contains adult humour

In a hospital serving victims of land mines, a little girl wakes up from surgery.

Little Girl: Doctor, something is wrong... I can't feel my legs!

Doctor: Yes, we've had to amputate both your arms.​
 
re: a monday pick me up contains adult humour

‎10 facts about you

1. You're reading my comment
2. You're realizing that's a stupid fact
4. You didn't notice i skipped three
5. You're checking now
6. You're smiling
7. You're still reading my comment
9. You didn't realize I skipped eight
10. You're checking again and smiling about how you fell for it again. :)
11. You are enjoying this
12. You didn't realize there's only suppossed to be ten facts!
 
re: a monday pick me up contains adult humour

there are ten you skipped three and eight lol
 
re: a monday pick me up contains adult humour

my mrs asked me to go to the doctors and get something to help with my erections , she didnt seem too happy when i came back with some diet pills for her
 
re: a monday pick me up contains adult humour

The German air controllers at Frankfurt Airport are renowned as a short-tempered lot.
They not only expect one to know one's gate parking location, but how to get there
without any assistance from
them. So it was with some amusement that we (a Pan Am 747) listened to the following
exchange between Frankfurt ground control and a British Airways 747,
call sign Speedbird 206.

Speedbird 206: " Frankfurt , Speedbird 206 clear of active runway."

Ground: "Speedbird 206. Taxi to gate Alpha One-Seven."

The BA 747 pulled onto the main taxiway and slowed to a stop.

Ground: "Speedbird, do you not know where you are going?"

Speedbird 206: "Stand by, Ground, I'm looking up our gate location now."

Ground (with quite arrogant impatience):

"Speedbird 206, have you not been to Frankfurt before?"

Speedbird 206 (coolly): "Yes, twice in 1944, but it was dark, -- and I didn't land."​
 
re: a monday pick me up contains adult humour

nicked from the sparks section

This has got to be one of the cleverest
E-mails I've received in awhile.
Someone out there
Must be "deadly" at Scrabble. Or maybe
has too much time on his hands.
(Wait till you see the last one)!



PRESBYTERIAN:
When you rearrange the letters:
BEST IN PRAYER



ASTRONOMER:
When you rearrange the letters:
MOON STARER



DESPERATION:
When you rearrange the letters:
A ROPE ENDS IT



THE EYES:
When you rearrange the letters:
THEY SEE



GEORGE BUSH:
When you rearrange the letters:
HE BUGS GORE



THE MORSE CODE :
When you rearrange the letters:
HERE COME DOTS


DORMITORY:
When you rearrange the letters:
DIRTY ROOM

SLOT MACHINES:
When you rearrange the letters:
CASH LOST IN ME

ANIMOSITY:
When you rearrange the letters:
IS NO AMITY



ELECTION RESULTS :
When you rearrange the letters:
LIES - LET'S RECOUNT



SNOOZE ALARMS :
When you rearrange the letters:
ALAS ! NO MORE
Z'S



A DECIMAL POINT :
When you rearrange the letters:
I'M A DOT IN PLACE



THE EARTHQUAKES:
When you rearrange the letters:
THAT QUEER SHAKE



ELEVEN PLUS TWO:
When you rearrange the letters:
TWELVE PLUS ONE




AND FOR THE GRAND FINALE:


MOTHER-IN-LAW:
When you rearrange the letters:
WOMAN HITLER​
 
re: a monday pick me up contains adult humour

Little Barry came into the kitchen where his mother was cooking dinner.
His birthday was coming up and he thought this was a good time to tell his mother what he wanted: 'Mum, I want a bike for my birthday.'
Little Barry was a bit of a troublemaker. He had got into trouble at school and at home. Barry's mother asked him if he thought he deserved to get a bike for his birthday. Little Barry, of course, thought he did.

Barry's mother, being a Christian woman, wanted him to reflect on his behaviour over the last year, and write a letter to God, and tell him why he deserved a bike for his birthday.
Little Barry stomped up the steps to his room and sat down to write God a letter.
LETTER 1:
Dear God,
I have been a very good boy this year and I would like a bike for my birthday. I want a red one.
Your friend, Barry.
Barry knew this wasn't true. He had not been a very good boy this year, so he tore up the letter and started again.
LETTER 2:
Dear God,
This is your friend Barry. I have been a pretty good boy this year, and I would like a red bike for my birthday.
Thank you,
Barry.
Barry knew this wasn't true either. He tore up the letter and started again.
LETTER 3:
Dear God,
I have been an OK boy this year and I would really like a red bike for my birthday.
Your friend,
Barry.

Barry knew he could not send this letter to God either. Barry was very upset. He went downstairs and told his mother he wanted to go to church.

Barry's mother thought her plan had worked because Barry looked very sad. 'Just be home in time for dinner,' his mother said. Barry walked down the street to the church and up to the altar.


He looked around to see if anyone was there. He picked up a statue of the Virgin Mary. He slipped it under his shirt and ran out of the church, down the street, into his house, and up to his room. He shut the door to his room and sat down with a piece of paper and a pen.
Barry began to write his letter to God.
LETTER 4:
I'VE GOT YOUR MUM.
IF YOU WANT TO SEE HER AGAIN, SEND THE BIKE!!!
 
re: a monday pick me up contains adult humour

Did ye hear the guy that invented to hokie cokey just died ? They had trouble putting him in his coffin, every time they put his left leg in he put his right leg out
 
re: a monday pick me up contains adult humour

Not a Monday pick me up but a fairly unknown fact about hokie cokey.

Did you know it is derived from the catholic church? It was a micky take of trying to guess when you (as a member of the congregation) had to stand up, sit down, kneel, genuflect, make the sign of the cross or whatever. It didn't mean copying the priest every time (the priest for example makes more signs of the cross during mass than the congregation) but this is where the expression was born.

Still awake at the back?
 
re: a monday pick me up contains adult humour

A man was having problems with premature ejaculation so he decided to go to the doctor.

He asked the doctor what he could do to cure his problem.

In response, the doctor said, "When you feel like you are getting ready to ejaculate, try startling yourself."

That same day the man went to the store and bought himself a starter pistol.

All excited to try this suggestion, he ran home to his wife.

At home, he found his wife was in bed, naked and waiting.

As the two began, they found themselves in the celebrated 69 position.

The man, moments later, felt the sudden urge to ejaculate and fired the starter pistol.

The next day, the man went back to the doctor.

The doctor asked, "How did it go?"

The man answered, "Not that well.
When I fired the pistol,
my wife **** on my face,
bit 3 inches off my dick, and my neighbour came out of the closet with his hands in the air."
 
re: a monday pick me up contains adult humour

[h=2]3 Daughters[/h]
There were three daughters and they all wanted to get married but they couldn't afford it and neither could there parents.

So the parents said

"We will give you all a joint wedding and then you will all be able to get married".

So they got married and all three daughters then said

"I want a honeymoon but we can’t afford it".

The parents couldn't afford it either so they decided they would have the honeymoon at their parents house.

So on there honeymoon night their mother woke up and decided to go downstairs and get a drink.

On the way down she heard the first daughter screaming but she juts ignored it.

When she reached the second daughters bedroom she could hear laughing and just ignored it.

When she reached the third daughters room she could hear nothing and decided 2 ignore it.

The next morning at the breakfast table she said to the first daughter

"Why were you screaming?”

And the daughter replied

"Well mother you told me to scream when something hurt."

Then the mother said to the second daughter

"Why were you laughing last night?" and the daughter replied

"Mother you told me to laugh when something tickled".

Then the mother said to the last daughter

"Why didn't I hear anything coming from your room last night?" and the daughter replied









"Well mother you told me never to talk with my mouth full".
razz.png
 
re: a monday pick me up contains adult humour

I spent £50 on ebay this week for a ***** enlarger.When I opened it the git had sent me a magnifying
glass!
 
re: a monday pick me up contains adult humour

Michael Jackson Trial latest: Dr. Conrad Murray has told the court about Jacksons dramatic weight loss; "Michael had got so thin, that although his pyjama tops were still adult size, he could still squeeze himself into childrens bottoms"
 
re: a monday pick me up contains adult humour

"One man's rubbish is another man's treasure" is an awesome phrase.

But it's a horrible way to tell your kid they're adopted.
 
re: a monday pick me up contains adult humour

2.8m views - about 667,000 10 days ago ...

[video=youtube;3VLcLH97eRw]http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=3VLcLH97eRw[/video]
 
re: a monday pick me up contains adult humour

I walked into a bedroom and caught my nan sucking grandad's cock, I said "Nan that's disgusting"
She said "it's perfectly normal"
I said "No it's wrong you should have buried it with the rest of him"
 
re: a monday pick me up contains adult humour

Prince Charles leads tributes to Jimmy Savile and belatedly thanks him for 'fixing it' on August 31st 1997 in the Pont de l'Alma Road Tunnel in Paris.
 
re: a monday pick me up contains adult humour

Police marksmen have had to open fire at Dale Farm, they have won 2 goldfish and a giant teddy
 
re: a monday pick me up contains adult humour

You guys are wasted doing plumbing, should be on Comedy Central! LOL
 
re: a monday pick me up contains adult humour

Some local thugs wrote 'mong' all over my window last night !! it's going to take me ages to lick it off now....
 
re: a monday pick me up contains adult humour

Paddy buys a bath takes it back next day complaining water keeps escaping.
Manager says, "did u buy a plug for it?" Paddy says, "you f**ckin w**ker ! you neva said it was electric!"
 
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