Funny amazon reviews

[Roger Welton]

A couple of funny ones

http://www.amazon.co.uk/product-reviews/B000KKNQBK

http://www.amazon.com/Haribo-Gummy-Candy-Sugarless-5-Pound/dp/B000EVQWKC/

http://www.amazon.co.uk/Bic-Crystal-Ballpoint-Medium-Point/dp/B000JTOYLS

 

[village idiot]

This was probably and hopefully the only time in my life I was going to wish there was a gay snowman in the kitchen which should give you some idea of the depths I was willing to sink to in order to ease the pain. The only solution my pain crazed mind could come up with was to gently ease one of the sprouts where no veg had gone before.
Unfortunately, alerted by the strange grunts coming from the kitchen the other half chose that moment to come and investigate and was greeted by the sight of me, arse in the air, strawberry ice cream dripping from my bell end pushing a sprout up my arse while muttering..." Ooooh that feels good ". Understandably this was a shock to her and she let out a scream and as I hadn't heard her come in it caused an involutary spasm of shock in myself which resulted in the sprout being ejected at quite some speed in her direction. I can understand that having a sprout farted against your leg at 11 at night in the kitchen probably wasn't the special surprise she was expecting and having to explain to the kids the next day what the strange hollow in the ice cream was didn't improve my status...So to sum it up Veet removes hair, dignity and self respect...

Roger W, you sue are a naughty bouy:drool5:

 

[Roger Welton]

I can't believe amazon haven't taken them down

 

[village idiot]

I can't believe amazon haven't taken them down

Like most of my Amazon purchases, I made this one whilst casting a fleeting glance at the summary of the reviews, most of which had given it 5 stars.

Prior to applying the product, I didn't even "cast a fleeting glance" at the instructions: how hard can it be to apply some cream?

Executive Summary: "showed poor judgement".

Having lathered the cream all over my passion pole and clock-weights I went downstairs, sat down in front of the TV, and waited for the magic to work.

I've always advocated chemical castration for rapists and child-abusers without really knowing exactly what that means. I do now.

The first sensation I felt made me think that I must have spilled some hot boiling coffee on myself, but I soon realised that I had nothing more menacing than a glass of water on the table next to me. At that point, I noticed smoke coming up from my previously blemish-free luxury leather sofa and also, on closer inspection, from my pride and joy and associated regions - which were starting to feel (and look) like I had dropped them into a tank of concentrated nitric acid.

Starting to panic, I ran to the fridge and 15 seconds later my meat and 2 veg were submersed in a bowl of heavily-iced water.

Rather than relieve the pain, the administration of H2O somehow made it worse.

The next 2 hours of my life are a bit of a blur. All I can say for sure is that my wife came home at some point and found me furiously rubbing my tool on the cheese grater whilst screaming uncontrollably and, after calling an ambulance, informed me that she was going to sue me for divorce on the grounds of unreasonable behaviour.

When I returned from the Burns Unit at the local hospital 2 weeks later, she remained true to her word.

Despite ruining my life, this product does do what it says: my marriage equipment, though smaller than before, albino-white and significantly misshapen, carries not one hair nor even one follicle and probably never will. I therefore have to give it 5 stars: "does exactly what it says on the tin - and then some".

Never laffed so much in my whole life. These characters should stick to scripting movie lines. BRILLIANT