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A bakery owner hires a young female assistant who liked to wear very short skirts and thongs.
One day a young man enters the store, glances at the assistant and at the loaves of bread behind the counter.
Noticing her short skirt and the location of the raisin bread, he has a brilliant idea.
"I'd like some raisin bread please," the man says.
The assistant nods and climbs up a ladder to reach the raisin bread located on the top shelf.
The man standing almost directly beneath her is provided with an excellent view.
When she descends the ladder, he decides that he had better get two loaves.
As she retrieves the second loaf
One of the other male customers notices what's going on and requests his own loaf of raisin bread.
After many trips she is tired and irritated and begins to wonder,
"Why the unusual interest in the bread?"
Atop the ladder one more time, she looks down and glares at the men standing below.
Then, she notices an elderly man standing amongst the crowd.
Thinking that she can save herself another trip,
She yells at the elderly man,
"Is it raisin for you too?"
"No," he stammers, "But it's quivering a little!!.
 
A bakery owner hires a young female assistant who liked to wear very short skirts and thongs.
One day a young man enters the store, glances at the assistant and at the loaves of bread behind the counter.
Noticing her short skirt and the location of the raisin bread, he has a brilliant idea.
"I'd like some raisin bread please," the man says.
The assistant nods and climbs up a ladder to reach the raisin bread located on the top shelf.
The man standing almost directly beneath her is provided with an excellent view.
When she descends the ladder, he decides that he had better get two loaves.
As she retrieves the second loaf
One of the other male customers notices what's going on and requests his own loaf of raisin bread.
After many trips she is tired and irritated and begins to wonder,
"Why the unusual interest in the bread?"
Atop the ladder one more time, she looks down and glares at the men standing below.
Then, she notices an elderly man standing amongst the crowd.
Thinking that she can save herself another trip,
She yells at the elderly man,
"Is it raisin for you too?"
"No," he stammers, "But it's quivering a little!!.
 
11066079_755864601196647_8908783763484064101_n.jpg
 
I accidentally filled my blow up doll with helium the other day and now the pig is playing hard to get.
 
Man Shoves His Parrot In The Freezer To Discipline It…It Goes Way Better Than Expected

A young man named John received a parrot as a gift. The parrot had a bad attitude and an even worse vocabulary. Every word out of the bird’s mouth was rude, obnoxious and laced with profanity.

John tried and tried to change the bird’s attitude by consistently saying only polite words, playing soft music and anything else he could think of to ‘clean up’ the bird’s vocabulary.

Finally, John was fed up and he yelled at the parrot. The parrot yelled back. John shook the parrot and the parrot got angrier and even more rude. John, in desperation, threw up his hand, grabbed the bird and put him in the freezer.

For a few minutes the parrot squawked and kicked and screamed. Then suddenly there was total quiet. Not a peep was heard for over a minute. Fearing that he’d hurt the parrot, John quickly opened the door to the freezer. The parrot calmly stepped out onto John’s outstretched arms and said “I believe I may have offended you with my rude language and actions. I’m sincerely remorseful for my inappropriate transgressions and I fully intend to do everything I can to correct my rude and unforgivable behavior.”

John was stunned at the change in the bird’s attitude. As he was about to ask the parrot what had made such a dramatic change in his behavior, the bird spoke-up, very softly, “May I ask what the turkey did?”
 
A Jamaican in New York can't find a job so he opens a clinic and puts a sign outside:
JAMAICAN MEDICINE GUARANTEED TREATMENT FOR ANY ILLNESS – $100.00 IF YOU ARE NOT CURED, GET BACK $1,000.00.
A lawyer thinks this is a great opportunity to teach this Jamaican a lesson and earn an easy $1,000.00so he goes to the clinic.

Lawyer: "I have lost my sense of taste." Jamaican: "Nurse, bring medicine from bottle number 22 and put 3 drops in this patient's mouth." Lawyer: "Ugh…this is kerosene!"

Jamaican: "Congratulations, your sense of taste is restored. Give me $100.00."


The lawyer, annoyed at being duped so easily, goes back after a few days to try to recover his money. Lawyer: "I have lost my memory. I cannot remember anything."

Jamaican: "Nurse, bring medicine from bottle number 22 and put 3 drops in this patient's mouth."


Lawyer: "No way! That is kerosene. You gave it to me last time for restoring my taste."

Jamaican: "Congratulations. You got your memory back. Give me $100.00."

The fuming lawyer pays him, then, determined to get back his $200.00 plus $800.00 extra, he comes back a week later, walking with a white cane.

Lawyer: "My eyesight has become very weak." Jamaican: "Well, I don't have any medicine for that, so take this $1,000.00." (hands him a note) Lawyer: (staring at the note) "But this is $50.00,not $1,000.00!" Jamaican: "Congratulations, your eyesight is restored. Let me have it back and give me $100.00
 
Three dizzy blondes are out in the wilds when they come across some tracks....1st blonde says they are bear tracks ...2nd blonde says no they are mountain lion tracks ..3rd blonde disagree's and say's they are wolf track's.....they were still arguing when the train hit them....lol:8:
 
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turnpin said:
Three dizzy blondes are out in the wilds when they come across some tracks....1st blonde says they are bear tracks ...2nd blonde says no they are mountain lion tracks ..3rd blonde disagree's and say's they are wolf track's.....they were still arguing when the train hit them....lol:8:
Click to expand...

well they were all partly right :D they were tracks
 
Three nun's are waiting to get into heaven St. peter say's.....before I can let you in you must answer one question he says to the first one who was the first woman God created.....Eve she replied ...Congrats in you go .....he then says to the second where did she live......Garden of Eden...Congrats in you go .....he says to the third As you are the Mother Supirior your question will be more difficult...he ask's her what was the first word's Eve said when she first saw Adam moving toward's her......Oooh that's a hard one!!......Congrats in you go....lol regards Turnpin:8:
 
Husband says to wife.

I bet you cant make me happy and pished off at the same time.

Wife says your dick is bigger than your brothers.
 
A man has been out drinking all day the bartender finally day's that the bar is closing.So the man stood up to leave and falls flat on his face...he tribe's again same result.So he thought the best plan was to crawl outside hoping the fresh air would sober him up.Once outside he tried to stand up once more and again falls over.So he resign's himself to crawl all the way home when he finally arrived he tried once more just about managing to open the front door before once more crashing to the floor he crawled to his bed and with a last effort somehow managed to fall into bed....He was awakened the next morning with his wife standing over him screaming
So you've been out drinking all day again .....he replies...what makes you say that with an innocent look on his face......the pub just called .....youv'e left your wheelchair there again...lol regards Turnpin:17:
 
A young newly wed couple are about to see each other naked for the first time...he takes off his socks and she say's oh my god your feet!!.....he say's I had tolio as a young boy ..she said don't you mean polio...he said it was similar but only his toe's were twisted and deformed so he dropped his trousers and again she shrieked what's wrong with your knee's ....as a boy I caught kneesel's only it sounded like measle's but affected just my knee's
Then he took off his boxer short's......and she said oh no you must have caught smallcox as well
Lol ....regards Turnpin:yesnod:
 
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A blonde fed up with hearing joke's about how dim some of them can be told her boyfriend she was going to to kill herself by hanging herself in the bathroom..he took little notice until he heard her scream ....he broke down the bathroom door to find her laying in the bath with the rope tied round the tap's and around one of her big to e's.........if you are going to hang yourself you are meant to put the re round your neck ......she replied I tried that but I couldn't breath.......lol regards Turnpin:biggrin:
 
Bloke went to see the doctor about circumcision, and asked how much would it cost.
Dr replied "it's free on the NHS, but we keep the tips "
 
Sean Connery was interviewed by Michael Parkinson, and bragged that despite being 72 years of age, he could still have sex 3 Times a night.
Cilla Black, who was also a guest, looked intrigued.
After the show, Cilla says, "Sean, if I’m not bein too forward, I’d luv to ’ave sex with yer. Lets go back to my ouse, we could ’ave a lorra fun."
So they went back to her place and got comfortable. After a couple of drinks they went off to bed and had an hour of mad passionate sex together.
Afterwards, Sean says, "If you think that was good,*let me shleep for half an hour,*and we can have better shex. But while I’m shleeping, hold my balls in your left hand and ma Willie in your right hand".
Cilla looks a bit perplexed, but says "Okay".
He sleeps for half an hour, awakens,*and they have even better sex than before.
Then Sean says, "Cilla, that was wonderful. But if you let me shleep for an hour,*we can have the besht shex yet. You’ll have to.......’
"I know Sean. Yer want me to ’old onto yer bat ’n balls again. No problem Hun".
Cilla complies with the routine.
The results this time are absolutely mind blowing.
Once it’s all over, they have a drink, Sean lights a cigarette and Cilla asks "Sean, tell me, dis ’oldin yer balls in one hand, and yer Willie in de other - does it really stimulate yer that much?"
Sean replies, "No, not at all Cilla, but the last time I shlept with a scouser, the pig stole ma wallet!"
 
croppie said:
Sean Connery was interviewed by Michael Parkinson, and bragged that despite being 72 years of age, he could still have sex 3 Times a night.
Cilla Black, who was also a guest, looked intrigued.
After the show, Cilla says, "Sean, if I’m not bein too forward, I’d luv to ’ave sex with yer. Lets go back to my ouse, we could ’ave a lorra fun."
So they went back to her place and got comfortable. After a couple of drinks they went off to bed and had an hour of mad passionate sex together.
Afterwards, Sean says, "If you think that was good,*let me shleep for half an hour,*and we can have better shex. But while I’m shleeping, hold my balls in your left hand and ma Willie in your right hand".
Cilla looks a bit perplexed, but says "Okay".
He sleeps for half an hour, awakens,*and they have even better sex than before.
Then Sean says, "Cilla, that was wonderful. But if you let me shleep for an hour,*we can have the besht shex yet. You’ll have to.......’
"I know Sean. Yer want me to ’old onto yer bat ’n balls again. No problem Hun".
Cilla complies with the routine.
The results this time are absolutely mind blowing.
Once it’s all over, they have a drink, Sean lights a cigarette and Cilla asks "Sean, tell me, dis ’oldin yer balls in one hand, and yer Willie in de other - does it really stimulate yer that much?"
Sean replies, "No, not at all Cilla, but the last time I shlept with a scouser, the pig stole ma wallet!"
Click to expand...
Pms!

Very good.
 
If you had only been at right vent today....

Talking about phones . I was saying how hardy my iPhone was. Threw it, it missed the wall 12' high 20' wide and flew about 40' and then hit the window wall. Apparently my face was a picture. Got up to pick it up..... Phew it was fine . Whole class laughing their **** off.
 
Dr.Dave had slept with one of his patient's and the guilt was giving him some sleepless night's it wasn't helped by the voice's in his head....don't worry you are single and not the first doctor to sleep with a patient and you will not be the last .......then the other voice said......but Dr.Dave don't forget that you are a vet...lol ....regards Turnpin:wink5:
 
turnpin said:
Dr.Dave had slept with one of his patient's and the guilt was giving him some sleepless night's it wasn't helped by the voice's in his head....don't worry you are single and not the first doctor to sleep with a patient and you will not be the last .......then the other voice said......but Dr.Dave don't forget that you are a vet...lol ....regards Turnpin:wink5:
Click to expand...


:D very good one
 
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