a monday pick me up contains adult humour

[stevetheplumber]

to subtle my wife didnt get it

 

[julesverne]

A women was admitted to hospital today with a hoover pipe wedged up her fanny.
Although she is in intensive care the doctors say she is picking up nicely!!

 

[julesverne]

.......

 

[lame plumber]

A man escapes from a prison where he’s been locked up for 15 years.
He breaks into a house and inside, he finds a young couple in bed.
He ties him to a chair. While tying the wife to the bed, the convict gets on top of her, kisses her neck, then gets up and goes into the bathroom.
While he’s in there, the husband whispers over to his wife,
“Listen, this guy is an escaped convict. Look at his clothes! He’s probably spent a lot of time in jail and hasn’t seen a woman in years.
I saw how he kissed your neck. If he wants sex, don’t resist, don’t complain. Do whatever he tells you. Satisfy him no matter how much he nauseates you. This guy is obviously very dangerous. If he gets angry, he’ll kill us both. Be strong, honey. I love you!”

She responds: “He wasn’t kissing my neck. He was whispering in my ear. He told me that he’s gay, thinks you’re cute, and asked if we had any Vaseline. I told him it was in the bathroom. Be strong honey. I love you, too.”

 

[lame plumber]

A man escapes from a prison where he’s been locked up for 15 years.
He breaks into a house and inside, he finds a young couple in bed.
He ties the husband to a chair and whilst tying the wife to the bed, the convict gets on top of her, kisses her neck, then gets up and goes into the bathroom.
While he’s in there, the husband whispers over to his wife,
“Listen, this guy is an escaped convict. Look at his clothes! He’s probably spent a lot of time in jail and hasn’t seen a woman in years.
I saw how he kissed your neck. If he wants sex, don’t resist, don’t complain. Do whatever he tells you. Satisfy him no matter how much he nauseates you. This guy is obviously very dangerous. If he gets angry, he’ll kill us both. Be strong, honey. I love you!”

She responds: “He wasn’t kissing my neck. He was whispering in my ear. He told me that he’s gay, thinks you’re cute, and asked if we had any Vaseline. I told him it was in the bathroom. Be strong honey. I love you, too.”

 

[julesverne]

Jack decided to go skiing with his buddy, Bob.

They loaded up in Jack's minivan and headed north.

After driving for a few hours, they got caught in a terrible blizzard.
They pulled into a nearby farm and asked the attractive lady who answered the door if they could spend the night.

"I realize it's terrible weather out there and I have this huge house all to myself, but I'm recently widowed," she explained. "I'm afraid neighbors will talk if I let you stay in my house."

"Don't worry," Jack said. "We'll be happy to sleep in the barn. And if the weather breaks, we'll be gone at first light."

The lady agreed, and the two men found their way to the barn and settled in for the night. Come morning, the weather had cleared, and they got on their way. They enjoyed a great weekend of skiing.
About nine months later, Jack got an unexpected letter from an attorney.

It took him a few minutes to figure it out, but he finally determined that it was from the attorney of that attractive widow he had met on the ski weekend.

He dropped in on his friend Bob and asked, "Bob, do you remember that good-looking widow from....." "Yes, I do."

"Did you happen to get up in the middle of the night, go up to the house and pay her a visit?"

"Yes," Bob said, a little embarrassed about being found out. "I have to admit that I did."

"And did you happen to use my name instead of telling her your name?"

Bob's face turned red and he said, "Yeah, sorry, buddy. I'm afraid I did. Why do you ask?"

"She just died and left me everything."

 

[julesverne]

.......

 

[turnpin]

An old chicken farmer decides to take his best cockrel into town for a treat as he had been working very hard servicing all the hens.They arrive at the cinema and the farmer try`s to buy two tickets for the afternoon matinee....you ain`t bringing that in here the guy in the ticket office tell`s him so the farmer pop`s round the corner and stuff`s the cockrel down his trousers and return`s buy`s a ticket and go`s in and sit`s down next to two old biddie`s.....after a while the cockrel starts getting restless so the farmer unzip`s his flie`sand out pop`s the cockrel`s head...after a few minutes one old girl say`s to her friend....this guy next to me has got the head of his cock sticking out of his fly`s......her friend replie`s ...at our time of life we`ve see just about everything so don`t worry.....I`m not worried she replied ...it`s so annoying it`s eaten half my popcorn.....lol regards Turnpin

 

[mike-c]

[video=youtube;3_Jt_g10Jug]https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=3_Jt_g10Jug[/video]

 

[stevetheplumber]

A 75-year-old man walked into a crowded waiting room and approached the desk. The Receptionist said, 'Yes sir, what are you seeing the Doctor for today?'
'There's something wrong with my dick', he replied.
The receptionist became irritated and said, 'You shouldn't come into a crowded waiting room and say things like that.'
'Why not, you asked me what was wrong and I told you,' he said.
The Receptionist replied; 'Now you have caused some needless embarrassment in this room full of people. You should have said there is something wrong with your ear or something and discussed the problem further with the Doctor in private.'
The man replied, 'You should not ask people questions in a roomful of strangers if the answer could embarrass anyone.' The man then decided to walk out, waited several minutes and then re-entered.
The Receptionist smiled smugly and asked, 'Yes??'
'There's something wrong with my ear,' he stated loudly.
The Receptionist nodded approvingly and smiled, knowing he had taken her advice. 'What is wrong with your ear, Sir?'
'I can't **** out of it,' he replied.
The waiting room erupted in laughte

 

[turnpin]

[video=youtube;3_Jt_g10Jug]https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=3_Jt_g10Jug[/video]

Wow Mike I pmsl just like the announcer......best laugh I've had in a while:rofl:

 

[lame plumber]

http://www.ukplumbersforums.co.uk/plumbers-arms/83848-so-i-decided-ventilate-my-finger.html?

 

[stevetheplumber]

https://www.************/photo.php?....431372556936548.99956.100001914215463&type=3

 

[CES]

Big spiders out this time of year huh?

 

[kay-jay]

View attachment 23108

Big spiders out this time of year huh?

Thats one hell of a turd hanging out your arse connor!

 

[stevetheplumber]

 

[Ray Stafford]

View attachment 23186

pmsl...

 

[Ch4 plumbing]

 

[Masood]

Double-barrel Marriages. 12 Cautionary Tales. | The Poke

Double-barrelled names gone wrong!

 

[Ch4 plumbing]

Bush-Rash!! Must ne made up!

 

[townfanjon]

lol lol

 

[kay-jay]

Bush-Rash!! Must ne made up!

I'm pretty sure bush-rash exists.....[emoji4]

 

[Rickster123]

I can remember being sat in a Norfolk cinema watching Back To The Future and thinking, "Fcukin hell, he's going to end up shagging his Mum!"

Luckily the usher spotted him fingering her and chucked them out.

 

[Rickster123]

I turned to my colleague and asked, "Can you smell burning?"

23 years we've worked together at the Crematorium and that joke never gets old.

 

[Rickster123]

Dave's girlfriend left him today.

She said it was because Dave wouldn't stop talking in the third person.

 

[Rickster123]

I picked up a fat chick wearing a tracksuit in my taxi and dropped her off at the park.

She jumped out and started jogging down the road beside me.

"You go girl!" I shouted with a wolf whistle. "You'll be losing those pounds before you know it."

"My ******* scarf's trapped in the door, you w4nker" she replied.

 

[Rickster123]

I was truly horrified when I found a grey pube last night.

So I've told Gran she's not allowed to cook my dinner in the nude anymore.

 

[townfanjon]

 

[rpm]

Wicked!

 

[rpm]

View attachment 23584

I actually thought I was on for a bit of that the other day but sadly not! Hell of a figure she had though.

 

[julesverne]

A young lad knocked on the door last night and said "Trick or Treat?"
I says "What have you come as?"
He said "A werewolf."
I said "But you haven't got a costume on, you're just in normal clothes"
He said "Well it's not a full moon yet is it, ********?"

 

[turnpin]

Came across this and thought I must share.....lol regards Turnpin

 

[ShaunCorbs]

Came across this and thought I must share.....lol regards TurnpinView attachment 23717

? your going to be short a few pints so not good

 

[Masood]

The Grim Reaper came for me today. I had to fight him off with a vacuum cleaner. Talk about Dyson with Death!!!

 

[Dotty]

Sipping her drink, the single girl leered and said, "Last Friday at the end of the work day I went to my boyfriend's office wearing a leather coat. When all the other people had left, I slipped out of it and all I had on was a leather bodice, black stockings and stiletto heels. He was so aroused that we made passionate love on his desk right then and there!"

The engaged woman giggled and said, "That's pretty much my story! When my fiancé got home last Friday, he found me waiting for him in a black mask, leather bodice, black hose and stiletto pumps. He was so turned on that we not only had sex all night, he wants to move up our wedding date!"

The married woman put her glass down and said, "I did a lot of planning. I made arrangements for the kids to stay over at Grandma's. I took a long scented-oil bath and then put on my best perfume. I slipped into a tight leather bodice, a black garter belt, black stockings and six-inch stilettos.
I finished it off with a black mask. When my husband got home from work, he slapped my arse, grabbed a beer and the remote, sat down and yelled, 'Hey, Batman, what's for dinner?"