Intergas week 3 poem poll - main event

[Ray Stafford]

Ok, so lots of people kindly participated in the great Intergas Poetry competition. See this thread for details.

There are two prizes - the main prize of an Intergas Eco RF boiler is limited to the members eligible as described in the OP of the thread linked to above.

The mystery prize is open to anyone, and I will deal with that on a separate thread. This thread is about the boiler.

We need to get to a short-list of 3, and we are going to do that a poll. The 3 poets with the highest number of votes at whatever time over the weekend I decide to stop it, will go into the final.

Then I shall make the final judgement. So, here are the entrants. (there are 2 from Jonnyswamp, but you can only vote for one!)

There was a clunk and a clang and a big bloody bang from me old back boiler.
Out came the gasman as quick as a flash who said you need a new combi boiler.
You have nothing to fear your Intergas installer is here , Fitting this boiler on the jig it will be on the wall real fast so get the kettle on im starting to GASP.
Its done now my boiler with a long warranty , 4 moving parts and some wireless majiggy which looks rather smart which I have no idea what it does so I just push it to start, With water so fast she will soon have her bath.
Hail to the Gasman

there was a old plumber from ealing
whose boiler packed up for no reason
he won a prize ,which brought tears to his eyes
and now he has a warm feeling

There once was a man called Ray, competitions, free sweets & prizes was his forte...
Then one day he had a real treat for us all, 5 shiny new boilers for the gas safe amongst us all, many tried, but few will succeed, it turns out these merchant bosses aren't easy to please...
The prize was a great one, the best boilers some say, it turns out theres an alternative to the plastic Bosch way, with only 4 moving parts & a long guarantee, customer satisfaction was a sure thing for me...
My gas safe is proven, I was eliminated before, this is my poem for Intergas galore

There once was a man called Ray
Oh, he used to love to play
On this forum, he spent his day
Oh, the things he gave away

He had a great big shop
Nearly as big as the Co-op
His best mate was Mr Crop
He loved to throw a strop

Mr Crop, lived far, far away
No deliveries for you said Mr Ray
Not even if you pay
This made Mr Crop bray

He wasn’t all that bad Mr Williams
He’d share some of his millions
With the plumbing forum minions
This is where they shared all their opinions

Ray loved to give away a freebie
Even though it made everyone greedy
They thought it’d be easy
So they all said they were needy

But Ray had a plan
That would make the process span
He wasn’t going to make it quick
He made us watch the clocks go tick

To stop it turning into a great big fight
A poem he made us write
Even though we’re not all that bright
So off we went writing late into the night

The boiler being given away is an Intergas
Apparently top of the class
This is an opportunity that one must not pass
It could save us a load of brass

The boiler came from the land of the Dutch
Parts, it didn’t have much
Only four that moved on this Combi Compact
Now that is a fact

So we all joined the queue
To have a chance at winning this boiler and flue
We all sat there with a brew
Waiting for Ray to reveal his crew…

Whilst fishing today, my thoughts turned to Ray
And the boilers he was dishing out
Then thoughts turned to fear
A computer wasn't near
Could I enter? I really did doubt

No fish for my tea, there's none in the sea
Back up the M5 I did drive
I've just sat down, now in my night gown
Just barely feeling alive

I've been up since 3, my beds calling me
But I'll try and make it all rhyme
The boilers my goal, not another lump of coal
I hope I'm more lucky this time

Intergas intergas where for art thou
Yeah is me all own wok
plagiarism ? don't no wot u mean
seriously I don't
Ray s the sun and his intergas boilers are the moon
(use your imagination)
the vaillants and thee worcesters
are like the montagues and capulets
ugly bruisers thlnk croppie
your 4 moving parts are like a sonnet (more imagination required)
if I dont win a boiler I may have to wire up separate transmitter and receiver
and like romeo I might stab myself
with a small screwdriver-HURT- it could be terminal
boiler entry
more realistically begging for buscuits ray

well done lord ray, your 8000 today
too win a boiler from you, or not
either way i will not give a tot
as next week i'm on oliday.


tho ponderance based on this
however, not to take the p1ss
it is up to me upon my return
if ye shall stay for 8001,

heres to a happy return.....

A boiler reminds me of my wife,
They both play a big part in my life,
They both always run hot and cold,
And get temperamental as the get old.

I service each boiler once a year,
usually when my wife asks" can you service me dear",
The boiler manual is good to look through,
I wish the wife came with instructions too,

When my wife and i fall out,
She always seems to scream and shout,
Just like a boiler when it's starting to break,
With the grumbling moaning and strange noises it makes,

Then i work out what boiler part to buy,
Sometimes i think "I'll give this part a try",
At least a boiler will give me a clue,
For my wifes birthday present i never know what to do,

But i know with a little hard work and time,
I will get that boiler running just fine,
And just like my marriage that runs cold and hot,
I will always try and fix it no matter what....

Ray, Ray, what can I say
To convince you, that I am worthy
For the Intergas boiler
Natural gas, not an oiler
Cos I'm starting to smell rather earthy

My days are like most
They start with some toast
Washed down with three cups of tea
Then out to the van, without much of a plan
To the custard who's shouted the most

Small yapping dogs, along with pet frogs
I pretend that they are my friend
My face wears a smile
Just for a while
To the boiler they want me to mend

They say "are you done, its just turned one
You said it might take you longer"
Fake smile again
Then count up to ten
I really should try to be stronger

It's took me four hours, so you can have showers
Plus a trip back down to plumb center
"its not on your van?
I think its a scam"
I'M A PLUMBER, NOT A FLIPPIN INVENTOR!

On to the next one, just like the first one
Only three cats and a turtle
Go through it again
Will it end? tell me when
My head is turning quite purple

Pull onto my drive, feeling barely alive
Smelling of all things four legged
Then realise
Without much suprise
That my own hot water's just tepid

 

[smtplumbing]

i will get reading now

 

[Ch4 plumbing]

IDchappy for me, well done Ian.

 

[smtplumbing]

man that was hard i could of done with a few other votes.

 

[Ch4 plumbing]

IDchappy for me, well done Ian.

I've outed myself their! Hope there's no retribution shootings :41:

 

[gizmolang]

I think its easier being a gas engineer then a poet.

 

[gassafe]

Loving johnny swamps one... But I guess everyone is involved is voting for themselves

 

[smtplumbing]

ok who voted none of the above lol

 

[jonnyswamp]

How can I delete one

 

[IDCHAPPY]

I've outed myself their! Hope there's no retribution shootings :41:

I knew you were in that closet dude

 

[rpm]

How can I delete one

Good question, some of my entries wern`t actually meant to be entered I was just messing around with words hence didn`t add mystery prize enterent at the end. Hi Ho that`s life.

 

[kris]

Looks like it's a one horse race, well Ian you are a thoroughbred , niegggghhhh,

 

[IDCHAPPY]

Can you vote for yourself? :lol:

 

[IDCHAPPY]

Blimey ....

P.s best go order some Vogues from the bestest merchant in the country

 

[Nostrum]

Blimey ....

P.s best go order some Vogues from the bestest merchant in the country

If you're not getting any at home, the least we can do is try and win you a boiler. :smilewinkgrin::smilewinkgrin:

 

[IDCHAPPY]

Getting any what? i have no idea what you're on about

 

[T & H Plumbing]

How many accounts has chappy made how can a boring person like that be winning?

 

[IDCHAPPY]

:lol:

 

[IDCHAPPY]

The suspenders is killing me

 

[Ch4 plumbing]

The suspenders is killing me

good look mate!!

 

[IDCHAPPY]

I gotts a semi thinking about it :innocent:

 

[jonnyswamp]

I gotts a semi thinking about it :innocent:

Do my eyes deceive me, or is that a picture of a fella?

 

[Ch4 plumbing]

Certainly is mate

 

[jonnyswamp]

Oh well, the suspense is killing me, I'm off to bed
Try again next week it is then

 

[Ray Stafford]

We need to get to a short-list of 3, and we are going to do that a poll. The 3 poets with the highest number of votes at whatever time over the weekend I decide to stop it, will go into the final.

Then I shall make the final judgement.

So.

The people have spoken, and the final three are Gizmolang, StevethePLumber and IDChappy.

All that remains if for me to wreck the dreams of two, and spoil one of them with un-earned gains.

 

[lame plumber]

dont forget the cost of posting a boiler to Scotland is as bad as one to Ireland

 

[Ray Stafford]

dont forget the cost of posting a boiler to Scotland is as bad as one to Ireland

No its not. Posting a boiler to Scotland is the same as posting it to Winchester, or Petersfield. Posting it to Ireland is broadly the same as sending it to Helsinki.

 

[lame plumber]

So you send stuff to Helsinki but not over the road to Ireland

 

[newcastle phill]

I was once seeing a lass
Who had a massive cold bum
She shivvered my face
When she sat on that place...

So i bought her a new intergass !!


(Les dawson type boom boom foot stamp !! )

 

[IDCHAPPY]

I have no fingernails left

 

[Ch4 plumbing]

I have no fingernails left

Hahaha good luck to all 3

 

[stevetheplumber]

thanks to all those who voted for my short ditty

 

[Ray Stafford]

thanks to all those who voted for my short ditty

So you're in the last 3 Steve.

Nervous?

 

[IDCHAPPY]

Steve has nerves of steel.. mines however are made of jelly :lol:

 

[stevetheplumber]

to old for nerves what will be will be plus theres the fact if i fell into a barrel of **** i would come out sucking my thumb