I went to the doctors with hearing problems.
He said “Can u describe the symptoms?”
I said “Homers a fat bloke and Marge has blue hair”
* * *
My wife came home from work crying yesterday and asked me to console her.
So I hit her over the head with my Xbox.
* * *
How does Moses make his tea? ??
Hebrews it.
I’m serious that Israeli how he does it.
* * *
Just got banned from B&Q, some ******** in an orange apron came up to me and asked if I wanted decking!!
Lucky I got the first punch in.
* * *
Just seen a French footballer playing on a nintendo…
It was Thierry on Wii
* * *
Jimmy Saville, Rolf Harris & Stuart Hall walk into a pub in Ireland.
Barman says “not yew tree again”
* * *
My new years resolution is to stop using spray on deodorant!
Roll on next year!
* * *
Burnt my Hawaiian pizza today.
Should have put it on aloha setting.
* * *
Chris Eubank has just written a book about Ethics.
If it’s a success his next one will be about Kent.
* * *
Gutted the wife has left me!
She’s took the Sky Box and all my Bob Marley records too.
No woman no Sky
* * *
A bloke on a tractor has just driven past me shouting “The end of the world is nigh!!”
I think it was Farmer Geddon.
* * *
I met a girl with 12 nipples today
Sounds fun
Dozen tit
* * *
Why can’t dyslexics tell jokes?
They always punch up the ****line.
* * *
How to work out your **** name…
Take your first name and replace it with Piers.
Now take your surname and replace it with Morgan.
* * *
If you see someone doing a crossword today, lean over them and say 7 up is Lemonade.
* * *
News: ‘Boy George’s reptile bites 5 people in one day.’
He needs a calmer chameleon.
* * *
Having a charity event for people that struggle to ******.
Let me know if you can’t come.
* * *
Fell asleep at a party last night, and someone put a teabag in my mouth, i went mental!!!!
No one treats me like a mug.
* * *
Me: Doctor you’ve got to help me, I’m addicted to Twitter.
Doctor: I don’t follow you.
