a monday pick me up contains adult humour

[Barry98]

Woke up this morning and decided to cycle to work,
but when i went out it was slinging it down.
So i thought i'd go back to bed for 20 minutes.
When i got back in bed i decided to give the missus one from behind.
I said "its slinging it down out there" and she replied
" i know and that stupid sod is cycling to work"

 

[Howsie]

Poland V England match was an absolute joke. 50,000 plumbers at the stadium but no one could sort out the water problem.

 

[Barry98]

re: a monday pick me up contains adult humour

croppie called his boss this morning and said, "I'm not coming into work today."

"Why not?" he asked.

he said "My wife is throwing up in bed and she hasn't ironed my uniform."

"That's no excuse," he shouted.

he said, "I know, but try telling her that."

 

[Mr Doberman]

re: a monday pick me up contains adult humour

pmsl.

 

[Barry98]

re: a monday pick me up contains adult humour

pmsl.

you know croppie well aswell then lol

 

[Plum Bob 66]

re: a monday pick me up contains adult humour

George Clooney is to star in a film about Jimmy Savilles life, to be called ....Oh shes eleven.

 

[Mr Doberman]

re: a monday pick me up contains adult humour

Oh dear.....the barrel is empty ! lol

 

[Plum Bob 66]

re: a monday pick me up contains adult humour

Not quite...

Was walking with the wife the other day when she stopped and took her shoe off, what you doing I said, I think there's a stone in it , she said. Well there's about twenty in the other one now so get a move on fatty !!!

 

[Plum Bob 66]

re: a monday pick me up contains adult humour

After the release of the Hillsborough evidence, Injury Lawyers 4 U say they are now able to begin processing the the claims of the 2.5 million scousers who were at the match..

 

[nicro3]

re: a monday pick me up contains adult humour

Four words you don't want to hear after sex "How,s about that then"

 

[SafeGasInstall]

re: a monday pick me up contains adult humour

Or .....: is that it for £100

 

[Guest123]

re: a monday pick me up contains adult humour

Or....when are you starting?

 

[nicro3]

re: a monday pick me up contains adult humour

With all this coming out about Savile at the BBC why is it only coming out now, then now then now then.

 

[Plum Bob 66]

re: a monday pick me up contains adult humour

Four words you don't want to hear after sex "How,s about that then"

sat here at 7.27am pmsl !!

 

[Plum Bob 66]

re: a monday pick me up contains adult humour

off to B&Q tonight for a new fluorescent tube for the kitchen, hope I don't get f*****g tazered on the way home !!!!

 

[CES]

re: a monday pick me up contains adult humour

I was shagging the missus last night when she started moaning that we never have normal sex anymore...and that I'm obsessed with doing it like they do in **** films...Typical of her to start an argument in front of all my mates....

 

[CES]

re: a monday pick me up contains adult humour

the human body has seven trilion nerves, isnt it amazing that women know how to get on every feckin one of them..

 

[Leo21]

re: a monday pick me up contains adult humour

I met a girl with a plasticine fanny last week. I haven't shagged her yet but I think I left an impression.

 

[Plum Bob 66]

re: a monday pick me up contains adult humour

Decisions

A man wakes up in the hospital, bandaged from head to foot.

The doctor comes in and says, "Ah, I see you've regained consciousness.

Now, you probably won't remember, but you were in a pile-up on the motorway.
You're going to be okay, you'll walk again and everything, but...

Something happened. I'm trying to break this gently, but the fact is, your
willy was chopped off in the wreck and we were unable to find it."

The man groans, but the doctor goes on, "You've got £9,000 in insurance
compensation coming and we have the technology now to build you a new willy
that will work as well as your old one did - better in fact! But the thing
is, it doesn't come cheap. It's £1,000 an inch."

The man perks up at this. "So," the doctor says, "It's for you to decide how
many inches you want. But it's something you'd better discuss with your
wife. I mean, if you had a five inch one before, and you decide to go for a
nine incher, she might be a bit put out. But if you had a nine inch one
before, and you decide only to invest in a five incher this time, she might
be disappointed. So it's important that she plays a role in helping you make
the decision."

The man agrees to talk with his wife.

The doctor comes back the next day. "So," says the doctor, "have you spoken
with your wife?"

"I have," says the man.

"And what is the decision?" asks the doctor.

"We're having granite worktops."

 

[nicro3]

re: a monday pick me up contains adult humour

Before he died Jimmy Savile was making a new TV series with the Rochdale pedophile ring. Called Jamaal fix it

 

[Dotty]

re: a monday pick me up contains adult humour

I was explaining to my wife last night that when you die you get reincarnated, but must come back as a different creature. She said she would like to come back as a cow. I said, "You obviously haven't been listening love!"

 

[Dotty]

re: a monday pick me up contains adult humour

I said to my wife, "I was just disgusted when I saw a woman with her breasts out on the bus feeding her son."
She said, "All of you blokes are the same, it's just natural."
"I don't know what's so natural about it." I replied, "She was feeding him Quavers!"

 

[Dotty]

re: a monday pick me up contains adult humour

My wife told me she didn't want me to make a big fuss over her 40th birthday.

I didn't.

She bloody did though.

 

[Dotty]

re: a monday pick me up contains adult humour

SteveB, System and Bod were sitting in a bar talking about how whipped they had their wives.

SteveB and System kept bragging about how they could get their wives to do anything.

They looked at Bod and he said, "I had my wife crawling towards me on her hands and knees the other day."

Both SteveB and System were very impressed and asked him how he had managed that.

Bod replied, "Well, I was hiding under the bed and she crawled over and said, "Come out and fight like a man!"

 

[Billy Bob Bob]

re: a monday pick me up contains adult humour

Bull and brilliance An old German Shepherd starts chasing rabbits and before long, discovers that he's lost. Wandering about, he notices a panther heading rapidly in his direction with the intention of having lunch. The old German Shepherd thinks, "Oh, oh! I'm in deep poo now!" Noticing some bones on the ground close by, he immediately settles down to chew on the bones with his back to the approaching cat. Just as the panther is about to leap, the old German Shepherd exclaims loudly, "Boy, that was one delicious panther! I wonder, if there are any more around here?" Hearing this, the young panther halts his attack in mid-strike, a look of terror comes over him and he slinks away into the trees. "Whew!," says the panther, "That was close! That old German Shepherd nearly had me!" Meanwhile, a squirrel who had been watching the whole scene from a nearby tree, figures he can put this knowledge to good use and trade it for protection from the panther. So, off he goes. The squirrel soon catches up with the panther, spills the beans and strikes a deal for himself with the panther. The young panther is furious at being made a fool of and says, "Here, squirrel, hop on my back and see what's going to happen to that conniving canine!" Now, the old German Shepherd sees the panther coming with the squirrel on his back and thinks, "What am I going to do now?," but instead of running, the dog sits down with his back to his attackers, pretending he hasn't seen them yet, and just when they get close enough to hear, the old German Shepherd says... "Where's that squirrel? I sent him off an hour ago to bring me another panther!" Moral of this story... Don't mess with the old dogs... Age and skill will always overcome youth and treachery! Bull and brilliance only come with age and experience.

 

[Billy Bob Bob]

re: a monday pick me up contains adult humour

Qantas Airlines: Repair Division(i may have posted this before,cant remember)

In case you need a laugh: Remember, it takes a college
degree to fly a plane but only a high school diploma to fix one.
After every flight, Qantas pilots fill out a form, called a 'Gripe Sheet' which tells mechanics about problems with the aircraft.

The mechanics correct the problems; document their repairs on the form, and then pilots review the Gripe Sheets before the next flight.
Never let it be said that ground crews lack a sense of humour.

Here are some actual maintenance complaints submitted by
Qantas' pilots (marked with a P) and the solutions recorded (marked with an S) by maintenance engineers.


P: Left inside main tire almost needs replacement.
S: Almost replaced left inside main tire.

P: Test flight OK, except auto-land very rough.
S: Auto-land not installed on this aircraft.

P: Something loose in cockpit.
S: Something tightened in cockpit.

P: Dead bugs on windshield.
S: Live bugs on back-order.

P: Autopilot in altitude-hold mode produces a 200 feet
per minute Descent.
S: Cannot reproduce problem on ground.

P: Evidence of leak on right main landing gear.
S: Evidence removed.

P: DME volume unbelievably loud.
S: DME volume set to more believable level.

P: Friction locks cause throttle levers to stick.
S: That's what friction locks are for.

P: IFF inoperative in OFF mode.
S: IFF always inoperative in OFF mode.

P: Suspected crack in windshield.
S: Suspect you're right.

P: Number 3 engine missing.
S: Engine found on right wing after brief search.

P: Aircraft handles funny
S: Aircraft warned to straighten up, fly right, and be
serious

P: Target radar hums.
S: Reprogrammed target radar with lyrics.

P: Mouse in cockpit.
S: Cat installed.

P: Noise coming from under instrument panel. Sounds like
a midget pounding on something with a hammer.
S: Took hammer away from midget.

 

[Billy Bob Bob]

re: a monday pick me up contains adult humour

Senior citizens' Joke

---

A farmer stopped by the local garage to have his truck fixed. They couldn't do it while he waited, so he said he didn't live far and would just walk home.

On the way home he stopped at the hardware shop and bought a bucket and a gallon of paint. He then stopped by the local agricultural merchants and picked up a couple of chickens and a goose. However, struggling outside the shop he now had a problem - how to carry all his purchases home.

While he was scratching his head he was approached by a little old lady who told him she was lost. She asked,
'Can you tell me how to get to 16 Larkspur Lane ?'

The farmer said, 'Well, as a matter of fact, my farm is very close to that house - I would walk you there but I can't carry this lot.

The old lady suggested, 'Why don't you put the can of paint in the bucket. Carry the bucket in one hand, put a chicken under each arm and carry the goose in your other hand?'

'Why thank you very much,' he said and proceeded to walk the old girl home.

On the way he says 'Let's take my short cut and go down this alley. We'll be there in no time.'

The little old lady looked him over cautiously then said, 'I am a lonely widow without a husband to defend me. How do I know that when we get in the alley you won't hold me up against the wall, pull up my skirt, and have your evil way with me?'

The farmer said, 'Good heavens woman! I'm carrying a bucket, a gallon of paint, two chickens, and a goose. How in the world could I possibly hold you up against the wall and do that?'

The old lady replied, 'Set the goose down, cover him with the bucket, put the paint on top of the bucket, and I'll hold the chickens.

 

[Barry98]

re: a monday pick me up contains adult humour

Cracking gasman

 

[Billy Bob Bob]

re: a monday pick me up contains adult humour

croppie Got his halloween costume sorted this year as he hates brats knocking his door blond wig,tracksuit,gold chain & cigar..........
That should keep the kids away

 

[Howsie]

BBC2, 9pm tonight: 'The Toughest Place to be a Miner'

Not sure whether to expect a documentary on South Africa or Jimmy Saville's bedroom?

 

[tamz]

re: a monday pick me up contains adult humour

A beautiful woman walks into a doctors office and the doctor is so blown away by how stunningly beautiful she is, all his professionalism goes right out the window.

He tells her to take off her trousers, she does, and he starts rubbing her thighs.

"Do you know what I am doing?" asks the doctor

"Yes, checking for abnormalities." she replies.

He tells her to take off her shirt and bra, she takes them off. The doctor begins rubbing her breasts and asks, "Do you know what I am doing now?"
"Yes, checking for cancer."

He tells her to take off her knickers and lie on the table. He gets on top of her and starts having sex with her.
He says to her, "Do you know what I am doing now?"

"Yes, getting the clap - thats what I am here for!"