a monday pick me up contains adult humour

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a monday pick me up contains adult humour

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Barry98

Woke up this morning and decided to cycle to work,
but when i went out it was slinging it down.
So i thought i'd go back to bed for 20 minutes.
When i got back in bed i decided to give the missus one from behind.
I said "its slinging it down out there" and she replied
" i know and that stupid sod is cycling to work"
 
re: a monday pick me up contains adult humour

Thor, the god of thunder, goes to a singles bar and ends up spending the night with a beautiful woman. They have energetic sex many times, all night long. The next morning, he decides to reveal his true identity: "I Am Thor!"

The woman replies: "You're Thor? I can hardly pith!"
 
re: a monday pick me up contains adult humour

Don't let the door hit you
 
re: a monday pick me up contains adult humour

The System3 guide of "How to draw"......


Owl.jpg
 
re: a monday pick me up contains adult humour

481003_10151265061101159_1917440965_n.jpg
Can someone put this up in the Arms....
 
re: a monday pick me up contains adult humour

Whenever I'm behind someone at a cash machine I like to let them know I'm not a threat by gently kissing the back of their neck.
 
I celebrated a year of celibacy today, or our wedding anniversary as my wife likes to call it.
 
I saw a sign telling me to keep two chevrons apart from the vehicle in front.

I was soon pulled over for driving right up the arse of a citroen.
 
It was nice to see Europe playing America at their own game by turning up late and claiming victory.
 
re: a monday pick me up contains adult humour

Last night I left the bedroom window open and a mosquito bit my wrist, which swelled up to three times its normal size.


Tonight I'm leaving my willy hanging out of my pyjamas.
 
re: a monday pick me up contains adult humour

Batman and Catwoman were going out on a date and were sitting in the Batcave.


"Oh Batty," she gushes, "you really are the greatest of all the superheroes."


"Thank you," replies Batman.


"No really," she continues, "you're brave, strong and true. You're quick-witted and fair. Everyone is scared of you."


"Please..." he replies.


"And you're so hunky!" she giggles. "You look so good in your costume and I love your pointy ears. I'm the luckiest cat alive. Now... I'm going to call us a cab and we're going to have a great evening."


She gets her mobile out of her bag, but can't switch it on.


"Oh!" she says. "Can you have a look - you're so good with gadgets."


"I'm afraid," he replies, "your phone will not work because of your bat flattery".
 
What have Jimmy Saville and Gary Glitter got in common?

They were both on top of the tots
 
re: a monday pick me up contains adult humour

57914115.preview.jpg Saw this on a web page
 
It will sort the wheat from the chaff :D

Sent from my GT-I9100 using Tapatalk 2
 
re: a monday pick me up contains adult humour

My wife suddenly froze when I dipped my fingers in a pot of KY Jelly and stuck them in her arse for the first time.
"Pull them out, now!" she demanded.
"Don't you like it?" I asked.
"No," she replied, storming out of Tesco.
 
re: a monday pick me up contains adult humour

John O'Reilly hoisted his beer and said, "Here's to spending the rest of me Life, between the legs of me wife !"

That won him the top prize at the pub for the Best Toast of The Night!

He went home and told his wife, Mary, "I won the prize for the Best Toast of The Night."

She said, "Aye, did ye now. And what was your toast?"

John said, "Here's to spending the rest of me life, sitting in church beside me wife."

"Oh, that is very nice indeed, John!" Mary said.

The next day, Mary ran into one of John's drinking buddies on the street Corner.

The man chuckled leeringly and said, "John won the prize the other night at the pub with a toast about you, Mary.."

She said, "Aye, he told me, and I was a bit surprised myself. You know, he's only been in there twice in the last four years. Once I had to pull him by the ears to make him come, and the other time he fell asleep".
 
The wife turned to me and said, 'Darling, look. I haven't worn this in 25 years and it still fits.'

I said, 'It's a scarf.'
 
Lone Ranger and Tonto walked into a saloon and sat down to drink a Beer. After a few minutes, a big tall cowboy walked in and said "Who Owns the big white horse outside?" The Lone Ranger stood up, hitched his gun belt, and said, "I do....Why?" The cowboy looked at the Lone Ranger and said, "I just thought you'd like to know that your horse is about dead outside!" The Lone Ranger and Tonto rushed outside and sure enough Silver was ready to die from heat exhaustion. The Lone Ranger got the horse water and soon Silver was starting to feel a little better. The Lone Ranger turned to Tonto and said, "Tonto, I want you to run around Silver and see if you can create enough of a breeze to make him start to feel better." Tonto said, "Sure, Kemosabe" and took off running circles around Silver. Not able to do anything else but wait, the Lone Ranger returned to the saloon to finish his drink. A few minutes later, another cowboy struts into the bar and asks, "Who owns that big white horse outside?" The Lone Ranger stands again, and claims, "I do, what's wrong with him this time?" The cowboy looks him in the eye and says,
"Nothing, but you left your injun runnin". __________
 
re: a monday pick me up contains adult humour

They wouldn't speak out when jimmy Savile was alive so what's the difference now then now then now then?
 
re: a monday pick me up contains adult humour

Wife turned to me the other night and asked "Is there something you'd like me to slip into?"

"How about a coma?" I replied.
 
re: a monday pick me up contains adult humour

It can only be a matter of time before Boris Johnsons mum comes forward and tells us she was r***d by Jimmy Saville
 
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