a monday pick me up contains adult humour

[Barry98]

Woke up this morning and decided to cycle to work,
but when i went out it was slinging it down.
So i thought i'd go back to bed for 20 minutes.
When i got back in bed i decided to give the missus one from behind.
I said "its slinging it down out there" and she replied
" i know and that stupid sod is cycling to work"

 

[Billy Bob Bob]

re: a monday pick me up contains adult humour

herbet the pervert from family guy shares a shocking resemblance to savile [video=youtube;hc2g1gEJ-64]http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=hc2g1gEJ-64[/video]

 

[Barry98]

re: a monday pick me up contains adult humour

A small boy is sent to bed by his father.


Five minutes later.....'Da-ad....'


'What?'


'I'm thirsty. Can you bring a drink of water?'


'No, You had your chance. Lights out.'


Five minutes later: 'Da-aaaad.....'


'WHAT?'
'I'm THIRSTY. Can I have a drink of water??'


' I told you NO! If you ask again, I'll have to smack you!!'
Five minutes later.......'Daaaa-aaaad.....'
'WHAT!'


'When you come in to smack me, can you bring a drink of water?'

 

[Barry98]

re: a monday pick me up contains adult humour

Men and Women
A real woman is a man's best friend.




She will never stand him up and never let him down.




She will reassure him when he feels insecure and comfort him after a bad day.




She will inspire him to do things he never thought he could do; to live without fear and forget regret.




She will enable him to express his deepest emotions and give in to his most intimate desires.




She will make sure he always feels as though he's the most handsome man in the room and will enable him to be the most confident, sexy, seductive and invincible...




No wait...Sorry.I'm thinking of whiskey. It's whiskey that does all that.

 

[tamz]

re: a monday pick me up contains adult humour

A man and his wife go to their honeymoon hotel for their 25th anniversary.
As the couple reflected on that magical evening 25 years ago, the wife asked the husband, "When you first saw my naked body in front of you, what was going through your mind?"
​

The husband replied, "All I wanted to do was to **** your brains out, and suck your **** dry."​

Then, as the wife undressed, she asked, "What are you thinking now?"​

He replied, "It looks as if I did a pretty good job of it."
​

 

[Howsie]

At any given moment the urge to sing "The lion sleeps tonight" is just a whim away.

A whim away, a whim away, a whim away...

 

[Guest123]

re: a monday pick me up contains adult humour

Women, don't ya just luv em........

Wife: Honey can u help me with the garden??
Husband: Do I look like a gardener??
Wife: Honey the toilet is broken!!
Husband: Do I look like a plumber??
(Later the husband went out for lunch..& when he came back everything was fixed)
Husband: Did u fix all of this??
Wife: No the neighbor's son did.
Husband: Oh ok.
Wife: He said I had to make him a burger or sleep with him.
Husband: U gave him the burger right??
Wife: Do I look like burger king??

 

[julesverne]

re: a monday pick me up contains adult humour

very true

 

[nicro3]

re: a monday pick me up contains adult humour

Freddie Starrs 34 year fiance has said on This Morning that she has never had reason to think he was a paedophile in all their 25 years together

 

[Plum Bob 66]

re: a monday pick me up contains adult humour

A little known fact here. Jimmy Saville once went for the job of England manager in the 90s but the FA refused him on the grounds he kept trying to put seaman in the under 16s ...

 

[villa_tom]

re: a monday pick me up contains adult humour

The BBC have announced that Bob The Builder has been sacked.


They can no longer trust any children's TV star who claims to be able to fix it.

 

[villa_tom]

re: a monday pick me up contains adult humour

P orn has ruined my life.


My boiler has gone and I'm scared to call the plumber.

 

[villa_tom]

re: a monday pick me up contains adult humour

A dog goes into a hardware store and says: "I'd like a job please".

The hardware store owner says: "We don't hire dogs, why don't you go join the circus?"

The dog replies: "What the hell would the circus want with a plumber?"

 

[villa_tom]

re: a monday pick me up contains adult humour

Before I retired, I was a plumber for 150 years - although that's just an estimate

 

[villa_tom]

re: a monday pick me up contains adult humour

I've just realised that the tune from the Lloyds TSB advert is the same sound I make when I try to put my bollcocks in a hot bath.

 

[kay-jay]

re: a monday pick me up contains adult humour

got sent this t'other day by text

our records indicate
that you were once felt up by
jimmy savile and could be
entitled to £2740 in
compensation. just reply
"hows about that then" to register
or to opt out just text
"stop jimmy stop".
register before the end of
the month and get a free
"lawyers 4U fixed it for me"
medal,

 

[Plum Bob 66]

re: a monday pick me up contains adult humour

got sent this t'other day by text

our records indicate
that you were once felt up by
jimmy savile and could be
entitled to £2740 in
compensation. just reply
"hows about that then" to register
or to opt out just text
"stop jimmy stop".
register before the end of
the month and get a free
"lawyers 4U fixed it for me"
medal,

Thank God, I thought I was the only one...

 

[Dotty]

re: a monday pick me up contains adult humour

I knocked on the neighbours door last night.
"Your bloody daughter!" I yelled, "Thanks to her I've crashed my van. You owe me a new van!"
"That's ridiculous!" The neighbour replied, "She's upstairs changing out of her school uniform!"
"I know. She's left her curtains open!"

 

[kay-jay]

How's about this then.....



http://www.anorak.co.uk/wp-content/uploads/2012/10/jimmy-savile-tattoo.jpeg




Oh no! Really...

Sent from my GT-I9100 using Tapatalk 2

 

[Leo21]

re: a monday pick me up contains adult humour

Psml, poor sod I feel a tatoo cover up coming on.

 

[gavinwilson]

re: a monday pick me up contains adult humour

or glitter on his other leg ?

 

[kay-jay]

A bit of tweaking and it could be transformed into lady gaga smoking a spliff

Sent from my GT-I9100 using Tapatalk 2

 

[CES]

re: a monday pick me up contains adult humour

Sometimes you can tell what they are thinking.

 

[CES]

re: a monday pick me up contains adult humour

ouch...

 

[villa_tom]

re: a monday pick me up contains adult humour

My boss called me into his office today and said, "I've noticed you nodding off during team meetings recently. Are you getting enough sleep?"


"Not really, the meetings are a lot shorter these days."

 

[Barry98]

re: a monday pick me up contains adult humour

just to show im still the boss

 

[CES]

re: a monday pick me up contains adult humour


Now.. how many of tried it?...

 

[PlumbBobBob]

re: a monday pick me up contains adult humour

i did

 

[Barry98]

re: a monday pick me up contains adult humour

innocent until proven guilty but anyway heres a pic that made me chuckle

 

[kay-jay]

re: a monday pick me up contains adult humour

good un bod...pinched it for fb

 

[Barry98]

re: a monday pick me up contains adult humour

good un bod...pinched it for fb

thats where i found it FB