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Howard Phillips, founder of the Little Horrors Support Group, says the plight of those raising uncanny offspring has been ignored for to too long and that the time has come for the monster to be kicked out of the closet. Speaking at the launch of the charity, he said ‘Being a parent is never easy, but when your ten year old insists on living in a well and will only come out to kill people it takes the burden of parenthood to a whole new level.
‘If your newborn is causing you sleepless nights, then spare a thought for your neighbour whose bundle of joy may be engaged in nightly communication with Great Cthulhu, Dark Lord of the Outer Dimensions who could be using the little tyke as a conduit to the East Midlands. Trust me, it happens.’
‘And yet the government is slashing our funding right to the bone. You’d think if anybody would have had a bit of sympathy for those dealing with manifestations of evil, it’d be George Osborne. But no such luck.’
Mr Phillips explains that spooky kids can be most problematic during adolescence, citing the example of his own teenage daughter who developed a worryingly close relationship with the man next door – who had been dead for fifty years. ‘That’s the kind of thing that can make you reconsider your guidelines regarding unsuitable boyfriends,’ he said.
Those who carry the heaviest burden are perhaps the parents of creepy twins. “Adopted ones are the worst,” says Mr Phillips, ‘because you never be sure where the’ve come from and what they’ve brought with them. They just sit there in silence, communicating telepathically, then they’ll share a quick malicious smile and suddenly – bang – granny’s head explodes. That can put a serious strain on any family unit.’
Phillips says that if your child’s interests include talking in ancient Aramaic, crawling across the ceiling or reanimating the dead, then it’s probably time to give him a call. ‘We feel that we can offer not only moral support but practical and genuinely useful advice. In my experience Mumsnet isn’t that helpful when it comes to battling the minions of Hell.’
