a monday pick me up contains adult humour

[Barry98]

Woke up this morning and decided to cycle to work,
but when i went out it was slinging it down.
So i thought i'd go back to bed for 20 minutes.
When i got back in bed i decided to give the missus one from behind.
I said "its slinging it down out there" and she replied
" i know and that stupid sod is cycling to work"

 

[Barry98]

re: a monday pick me up contains adult humour

dont believe that at dony station been there a few times and hooked up , one of em lasting 3 years

 

[leelister6]

re: a monday pick me up contains adult humour



Health and safety gone mad!!


i blame his boss!!!!!

 

[leelister6]

re: a monday pick me up contains adult humour

Gonna get one of these!

 

[Blackcatgas]

re: a monday pick me up contains adult humour

Why has Elton John got choclate on his bottom?, because George Micheal was "careless with his Whisper".

 

[CES]

re: a monday pick me up contains adult humour

An Amish man decides to take his son into the Big Apple as a treat on his sons 16th birthday. Exiting Grand Central they soon arrive at their Hotel and enter the vast lobby. They notice a large wall with what look like silver doors on it. As they stare, a little grey haired old lady, walking with a stck and bent double with artritis arrives , waits a second and enters the doors as they open. The doors close, then the two Amish notice a series of lights above the door. G , 1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6 etc Somewhile after, the lights reverse, the doors open and out steps a ravishing blonde, about 25 , lovely figure and legs that go on forever. "Dad", says junior Amish "what's all that about?" "I dunno son, but rush back and get your mother here quick"

 

[CES]

re: a monday pick me up contains adult humour

Bloke walking down the street, a brick in each hand, singing away merrily. "Twenty One today, twenty one today."
A Youth approaches the man and asks "You sound happy, is it your birthday?"
At which point, the man smacks him around the ears with the bricks.
"Twenty two today, twenty two today"

 

[CES]

re: a monday pick me up contains adult humour

Jim the plumber cruelly left his wife Florence after 30 years of marriage.
The note left on the table simply said "It's over flow"......


ok.. Ill get my coat....

 

[leelister6]

re: a monday pick me up contains adult humour

Ar lass accused me of thinking the world revolves around me! I pointed out that the world actually revolves around the Sun....................Which just happens to shine out of my arse!

 

[GQuigley67]

re: a monday pick me up contains adult humour

A guy walks into a sperm donor bank wearing a ski mask and holding a gun. He goes up to the nurse and demands her to open the sperm bank vault. She says "But sir, its just a sperm bank!", "I don't care, open it now!!!" he replies. So she opens the door to the vault and inside are all the sperm samples. The guy says "Take one of those sperm samples and drink it!", she looks at him "BUT, they are sperm samples???" , "DO IT!". So the nurse sucks it back. "That one there, drink that one as well.", so the nurse drinks that one as well. Finally after 4 samples the man takes off his ski mask and says, "See honey - its not that hard."

 

[leelister6]

re: a monday pick me up contains adult humour

Whats the difference between an enzyme and a hormone? You can't hear an enzyme

 

[GQuigley67]

re: a monday pick me up contains adult humour

An old maid wanted to travel by bus to the pet cemetery with the remains of her cat. As she boarded the bus, she whispered to the driver, "I have a dead *****." The driver pointed to the woman in the seat behind him and said, "Sit with my wife. You two have a lot in common."

 

[Barry98]

re: a monday pick me up contains adult humour

i was up stairs making sweet love to my mrs when the door rang , my woman been her went to answer it in her dresssing gown while i decided to jump in the shower


when she answered the door my best mate steve was there and been a bit startled at my beautiful mrs . said i give you £200 quid if you undo your dressing gown and show my your gorgeous body.

after a while of humming and arrighning she undid her gown and showed him the treasured beauty that lied beneth.

true to his word he gave her the £200

whilst half way back up the stairs she shouted to me in the shower "it was only steve"

to which i replied "great did he bring that £200 back that i leant him at the last week"

 

[Barry98]

re: a monday pick me up contains adult humour

i should point out steve , altough he is a plumber is not member of this site , wink wink names were changed to protect the inoccent

 

[CES]

re: a monday pick me up contains adult humour

I was talking to my grandad about the recession and he pipes up with "I think it's going to be like the early 70's all over again, 3 day week and all that".
I said "tell me something I don't know".
He said "you know your nan can take my whole fist up her arse"

 

[dontknowitall]

re: a monday pick me up contains adult humour

I heard this last Saturday and might use it for the future.

I've twin 16 year old boys and took them out with me a while back.

Next time I go I'll introduce them to the customer:

"This is Nick and Roger. Not their names but what they do on their days off."

 

[GQuigley67]

re: a monday pick me up contains adult humour

you cant hold it against ryan giggs for having sexual relations with imogen thomas, because any woman whose name is an anagram of 'a smooth minge' surely has to be worth a dabble

 

[leelister6]

re: a monday pick me up contains adult humour

I got stopped off a copper the other day for doing 32 in a 30 zone, he was a right arrogant sod and I was so angry I threw a bottle of domestos at him.............................. Got done for bleach of the police.

 

[GQuigley67]

re: a monday pick me up contains adult humour

My dad's not very good at giving advice.

He once said, "If you go to the pub and you think you'll be home at 11, tell your wife you'll be home at 12. That way, it'll be a nice surprise when you get back early."

I tried it that night. I came home an hour early, and found my wife in bed with another man.
...
It was my dad,... the thick :censored:......

 

[villa_tom]

re: a monday pick me up contains adult humour

I tried to text my girlfriend last night to say 'sorry babe. I can't come over tonight. I have to work. I'll see you next week'

After I sent it I read it back and it said 'Susan, I don't see this relationship working. I am going to dump you in a public place next week. We won't see each other until a night out in three months when we will have some drunken sex and both feel horrible the morning after.'

I had bloody predictive text on.

 

[villa_tom]

re: a monday pick me up contains adult humour

My wife said she's leaving me because I act like a tramp.


I begged her not to go

 

[villa_tom]

re: a monday pick me up contains adult humour

I was driving my wife to work this morning when she suddenly pushed my hand from the gear lever

"What are you doing?" I asked

"Well," she said, "I've kept quiet for too long and I'm sick of you not concentrating on your driving - you do the steering and I'll stir the petrol."

 

[Barry98]

re: a monday pick me up contains adult humour

God was creating Scotland, he said
"Im going to give them stunning mountains, beautiful salmon filled rivers and fabulous clean air''

St Peter said, ''you're being a bit generous to these Scots God''

God replied ''wait and see the neighbours they're getting !!

 

[Barry98]

re: a monday pick me up contains adult humour

Dave shouts downstairs to his granny, "Have you seen my pills, they were labelled 'LSD'?"

Granny replies, "sod the pills, have you seen the dragon in the kitchen?!"

 

[leelister6]

re: a monday pick me up contains adult humour

Just tried to book some tickets for an Elvis tribute show on my phone. What a pain in the arse.....You had to press 1 for the money, 2 for the show......

 

[leelister6]

re: a monday pick me up contains adult humour

I put a large load in the dishwasher last night, as usual, she spat it out

 

[leelister6]

re: a monday pick me up contains adult humour

I persuaded my girlfriend to smuggle my Coke through customs by sticking it up her arse. I didn't realise I could buy another can in the departure lounge!

 

[leelister6]

re: a monday pick me up contains adult humour

I was feeling a bit frisky the other night so I aked our lass to toss me off. She started rubbing me nob with a keyring.......... Perhaps it's just me but I felt I was just being fobbed off!

 

[villa_tom]

re: a monday pick me up contains adult humour

I put a hundred quids worth of fuel into my van and then drove off without paying.
Unfortunately the police caught me after a short chase.
I ran out of diesel half a mile down the road

 

[villa_tom]

re: a monday pick me up contains adult humour

I said to girlfriend, "Everybody thinks I'm too sarcastic."

She said, "What makes you say that?"

I said, "My mouth."

 

[villa_tom]

re: a monday pick me up contains adult humour

My Granddad fought in the war and survived mustard gas and pepper spray.

He is now classed as a seasoned veteran