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a monday pick me up contains adult humour

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Barry98

Woke up this morning and decided to cycle to work,
but when i went out it was slinging it down.
So i thought i'd go back to bed for 20 minutes.
When i got back in bed i decided to give the missus one from behind.
I said "its slinging it down out there" and she replied
" i know and that stupid sod is cycling to work"
 
one for bod
An American photographer on vacation was inside a church in Oldham taking photographs when he noticed a golden telephone mounted on the wall with a sign that read '£10,000 per call'.

The American, being intrigued, asked a priest who was strolling by what the telephone was used for. The priest replied that it was a direct line to heaven and that for £10,000 you could talk to God. The American thanked the priest and went along his way.

Next stop was in Manchester... There, at a very large cathedral, he saw the same golden telephone with the same sign under it. He wondered if this was the same kind of telephone he saw in Oldham and he asked a nearby nun what its purpose was. She told him that it was a direct line to heaven and that for £10,000 he could talk to God.

'O.K., thank you,' said the American.

He then travelled to Blackburn, Darwen, Burnley, Rochdale and Littleborough. In every church he saw the same golden telephone with the same '£10,000 per call' sign under it. The American, upon leaving Lancashire decided to travel to Yorkshire to see if Yorkshiremen had the same phone.

He arrived in Todmorden, and again, in the first church he entered, there was the same golden telephone, but this time the sign under it read '50 pence per call.'

The American was surprised so he asked the priest about the sign. 'Father, I've travelled all over Lancashire and I've seen this same golden telephone in many churches. I'm told that it is a direct line to heaven, but in Lancashire the price was £10,000 per call. Why is it so cheap here?'

The priest smiled and answered, 'You're in Yorkshire now, son. It's a local call.

Pfffttttttttttt..........
 
sooooo sllllooowwwww
 

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Continuing the war on terrorism, the irish S.A.S have just confirmed that they have stormed Battersea dogs home and killed 200 Afghans.
 
A bloke at work told me he makes every single decision in his life by flipping a coin.

What a tosser.
 
My wife and I were on holiday and after a few Sambuccas she finally agreed to take it up the arse.
I was so relieved there was no way I could get another 8 pouches of golden Virginia in the suitcase..
 
Someone just sent it me on my phone

i don't do Facebook, you're right, its for looooosers :)

That old chestnut.

What's the matter, afraid we might see all your pictures of you in compromising situations?!?!

Couldn't get any worse than the abuse given on here!
 
I went hunting today and shot a rabbit. Got it between the eyes on my first attempt.

I'm glad my neighbour kept him in a hutch, it made it a lot easier.
 
I gazed into her eyes
My heart was pounding
Lips trembling, unable to speak
Sweat forming on my brow.

She opened her petite little mouth and uttered three words I'll never forget.

"That's him Officer"
 
A young man was lost wandering in a forest, when he came upon a small house.

He knocked on the door and was greeted by an ancient Chinese man with a long, grey beard. "I'm lost," said the man. "Can you put me up for the night?"

"Certainly," the Chinese man said, "but on one condition. If you so much as lay a finger on my daughter, I will inflict upon you the three worst Chinese tortures known to man."

"Ok," said the man, thinking that the daughter must be pretty old as well, and entered the house.

Before dinner, the daughter came down the stairs. She was young, beautiful, and had a fantastic figure.

She was obviously attracted to the young man since she couldn't keep her eyes off him during the meal.

Remembering the old man's warning, he ignored her and went up to bed alone.

But during he night, he could bear it no longer, and sneaked into her room for a night of passion.

He was careful to keep everything quiet so the old man wouldn't hear. Near dawn he crept back to his room, exhausted, but happy.

He woke in the morning with the feel of pressure on his chest. Opening his eyes he saw a large rock on his chest with a note on it that read, "Chinese Torture 1: Large rock on chest."

"Well, that's pretty crappy," he thought. "If that's the best the old man can do then I don't have much to worry about."

He picked the boulder up, walked over to the window and threw the boulder out. As he did so he noticed another note on it that read: "Chinese Torture 2: Rock tied to left testicle."

In a panic he glanced down and saw the rope that was already getting close to the end.

Figuring that a few broken bones was better than castration, he jumped out of the window after the boulder.

As he plummeted downward he saw a large sign on the ground that read, "Chinese Torture 3: Right testicle tied to bedpost."
 
A guy spends the night with a lady of ill repute who is very keen on foreplay..."slip a finger in me now two now put your hand in ...now the other one...now put them bpth in upto the elbows ..so he doe's as she request's now clap ...your having a laugh he say's no your right she say's I am a bit tight arn't I......regards turnpin:aureola:
 
A young Army officer was severely wounded in the head by a grenade, but
the only visible, permanent injury was that both of his ears were
amputated.

Since his remaining hearing was sufficient, he remained in the Army.

Many years later he eventually rose to the rank of Major General. He was,

however, very sensitive about his appearance. One day the General was

interviewing three servicemen who were candidates for his headquarters

staff.


The first was a Captain, a tactical helicopter pilot, and it

was a great interview. At the end of the interview the General asked him,

'Do you notice anything different about me?' The young officer answered,

'Why, yes, Sir, I couldn't help but notice that you have no ears.'

The general was displeased with his lack of tact and threw him out.



The second interview was with a Navy Lieutenant, and he was

even better. The General then asked him the same question,

'Do you notice anything different about me?' He replied sheepishly,

'Well, sir, you have no ears.' The General threw him out also.



The third interview was with a old Sergeant Major, an

Infantryman and staff-trained NCO. He was smart, articulate, fit,

looked sharp, and seemed to know more than the two officers combined.

The General liked this guy, and went ahead with the same question, 'Do you notice

anything different about me?' To his surprise the Sergeant Major said,

'Yes, sir, you wear contact lenses.'

The General was very impressed and thought, 'What an incredibly

observant NCO, and he didn't mention my ears.' He asked, 'Sergeant Major, how do

you know I wear contacts?' 'Well, sir,' the soldier replied, 'it's pretty hard

to wear glasses with no f*****g ears.'

 
A bloke at work was jailed last week for having a video on his mobile of a girl being raped.

serves him right for stealing my phone.
 
Sure am, back on scottish soil yesterday, so will be seeing more of me..........unfortunately lol
 
I normally pay for a prostitute when I'm down in Glasgow, instead of going out on the pull.

It's a lot cheaper than trying to get a Glaswegian bird ****ed.
 
I heard the one thing I didn't want to hear whilst having sex last night.

My wife's key in the front door.
 
I haven't got a twitter account, so I just carry around a megaphone to announce what I'm doing at random times.

I've got three followers so far, but I think two are the police
 
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