a monday pick me up contains adult humour

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a monday pick me up contains adult humour

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Barry98

Woke up this morning and decided to cycle to work,
but when i went out it was slinging it down.
So i thought i'd go back to bed for 20 minutes.
When i got back in bed i decided to give the missus one from behind.
I said "its slinging it down out there" and she replied
" i know and that stupid sod is cycling to work"
 
re: a monday pick me up contains adult humour

hoping i will get away with this , with it been in the arms if not fair cop sorry in advance. slightly adult

one for the ladies

Nudemen Clock - Francis Lam

Click on the clock to change it to digital
 
re: a monday pick me up contains adult humour

that's excellent bod and it's too small to be rude really
 
re: a monday pick me up contains adult humour

My mate set me up on a blind date.He said, "She's a lovely girl, but there's something you should know... She's expecting a baby."I felt like a right idiot waiting in the pub wearing nothing but a nappy.
 
re: a monday pick me up contains adult humour

My parents have gone to India with some friends."Mumbai?" my mate asked,No, she's straight, but I don't think it's that kind of trip anyway. * *
 
re: a monday pick me up contains adult humour

I found the off-switch on women, It's in the back of their heads, You have to use is a bat to activate it.
 
re: a monday pick me up contains adult humour

Say the following very quickly, but make sure you're not in Church or worse still in a kiddies playground;

I ENJOY A GOOD MATHS DEBATE.
 
re: a monday pick me up contains adult humour

crap karate,these people are really monged[video=youtube;tqphKlMv92A]http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=tqphKlMv92A&feature=player_embedded[/video]
 
re: a monday pick me up contains adult humour

A dog asks a cat 'how come we never see your kind making love in public'

To which the cat replies 'do you want the humans to steal our style like they did yours?'
 
re: a monday pick me up contains adult humour

How NOT to teach puberty to the kids.....

A girl realized that she was growing hair between her legs. She got worried and asked her mom about the hair.
Her mum calmly said- "that part where hair is growing is your Monkey, be proud that your monkey has grown hair"
the girl smiled.
At dinner, she told her sister-"my monkey has grown hair"
Her sister smiled and said-"that's nothing, mine is already eating bananas" .
Mum fainted.​
 
re: a monday pick me up contains adult humour

For 2 years a man was having an affair with an Italian woman.

One night, she confided in him that she was pregnant. Not wanting
to ruin his reputation or his marriage, he paid her a large sum of money
if she would go to Italy to secretly have the child. If she stayed in
Italy to raise the child, he would also provide child support until the
child turned 18.

She agreed, but asked how he would know when the baby was born. To
keep it discrete, he told her to simply mail him a post card, and write
'Spaghetti' on the back. He would then arrange for the child support
payments to begin.

One day, about 9 months later, he came home to his confused wife.

'Honey!,' she said, 'you received a very strange post card today.'

'Oh, just give it to me and I'll explain it later,' he said. The
wife obeyed and watched as her husband read the card, turned white, and
fainted..

On the card was written:

Spaghetti, Spaghetti, Spaghetti, Spaghetti, Spaghetti.

Three with meatballs, two without..
Send extra sauce
__________________
 
re: a monday pick me up contains adult humour

Learn Chinese in 5 minutes. Helps if read aloud.


That's not right. Sum Ting Wong.
Are you harbouring a fugitive? Hu Yu Hai Ding.
See me ASAP. Kum Hia Nao.
Stupid man. Dum ***.
Small horse. Tai Ni Po Ni.
Did you go to the beach? Wai Yu So Tan.
I bumped into the coffee table. Ai Bang Mai Fu Kin Ni.
I think you need a face lift. Chin Tu fat.
It's very dark in here. Wai So Dim.
I thought you was on a diet? Wai Yu Mun Ching.
This is a tow away zone. No Pah Kin.
Our meeting is tomorrow. Wai Yu Kum Nao.
Staying out of sight. Lei ying Lo.
He is cleaning his car. Wa shing ka.
You have BO. Yu Stin Ki Pu.
Great. Fa Kin Su Pa.
 
re: a monday pick me up contains adult humour

I was initially annoyed when the mother in law asked me to go round and check her smoke alarms, but it wasn't a completely wasted trip.

At least I've now got some spare batteries for the TV remote.
 
My girlfriend came in to my shed yesterday and said "You're wasting your time and our money on all these stupid ****ing inventions!".

It was at that point that the slap-a-fat-**** automatic 3000 proved her wrong!
 
re: a monday pick me up contains adult humour

An 8-year-old girl went to her grandfather and asked him: "Grampa, what is sex?"
The grandfather was surprised that she would ask such a question, but decided that if she's mature enough to ask the question, then she's old mature to get a honest answer. So, steeling himself to leave nothing out, he proceeded to tell her all about human reproduction and the joys and intimacies of love-making. When he’d finished his lengthy explanation, the little girl just stood there with her mouth agape and her eyes wide open in amazement.
Being concerned that he may have been a little too explicit the grandfather then asked her: "Now tell me, honey, why did you ask this question?"

The little girl replied: "Well Grandma says to tell you that that dinner will be ready in just a couple of secs.”
 
re: a monday pick me up contains adult humour

MAMA'S BIBLE
Four brothers left home for college, and they became successful doctors
and lawyers.
One evening, they chatted after having dinner together. They
discussed the 95th birthday gifts they were able to give their elderly mother who moved
to Florida .
The first said, "You know I had a big house built for Mama."
The second said, "And I had a large theatre built in the house."
The third said, "And I had my Mercedes dealer deliver an SL600 to her."
The fourth said, "You know how Mama loved reading the Bible and you know
she can't read anymore because she can't see very well. I met this
preacher who told me about a parrot who could recite the entire Bible. It took
ten preachers almost 8 years to teach him. I had to pledge to contribute
$50,000 a year for five years to the church, but it was worth it
Mama only has to name the chapter and verse, and the parrot will recite it."
The other brothers were impressed. After the celebration Mama sent out
her "Thank You" notes.
She wrote: Milton , the house you built is so huge that I live in only one
room, but I have to clean the whole house. Thanks anyway."
"Marvin, I am too old to travel. I stay home; I have my groceries
delivered, so I never use the Mercedes. The thought was good. Thanks."
"Michael, you gave me an expensive theatre with Dolby sound and it can
hold 50 people, but all of my friends are dead, I've lost my hearing,
and I'm nearly blind. I'll never use it. Thank you for the gesture just the
same."
"Dearest Melvin, you were the only son to have the good sense to give
a little thought to your gift. The chicken was delicious Thank you so much."
Love, Mama
 
re: a monday pick me up contains adult humour

A horse walks into a bar and orders a martini and a prawn and avocado sandwich.

The barman is astonished at the English speaking horse and his refined tastes in drinks and food.

Much hilarity doubtless ensues.
 
re: a monday pick me up contains adult humour

"I'd say don't quit your day job, but you're awful at that too!" Bender, Futurama
 
re: a monday pick me up contains adult humour

One for the grandchildren (if applicable):

How do you get two elephants in a mini?
One in the front, one in the back.

How do you get four elephants in a mini?
Two in the front, two in the back.

How do you get two whales in a mini?
Down the M4 and across the Severn Bridge.

How do you know if there's an elephant in your fridge?
Footprints in the butter.

How do you know if there are two elephants in the fridge?
More footprints in the butter.

How do you know if there are four elephants in the fridge?
The mini's parked outside.
 
re: a monday pick me up contains adult humour

A doctor friend sent me this email........................

1. The patient has no previous history of suicide.

2. Patient has left her white blood cells at another Hospital.

3. Patient's medical history has been remarkably insignificant with only a 40pound

weight gain in the past three days.

4. She has no rigors or shaking chills, but her husband states she was very hot in

bed last night.

5. Patient has chest pain if she lies on her left side for over a year.

6. On the second day the knee was better and on the third day it disappeared.

7. The patient is tearful and crying constantly. She also appears to be depressed.

8. The patient has been depressed since she began seeing me in 1993.

9. Discharge status: Alive, but without my permission.

10. Healthy appearing decrepit 69yr old male, mentally alert, but forgetful.

11. Patient had waffles for breakfast and anorexia for lunch.

12. She is numb from her toes down.

13. While in ER, she was examined, x-rated and sent home.

14. The skin was moist and dry.

15. Occasional, constant infrequent headaches.

16. Patient was alert and unresponsive.

17. Rectal examination revealed a normal size thyroid.

18. She stated she had been constipated for most of her life until she got a divorce.

19. I saw your patient today, who is still under our care for fisical therapy.

20. Both breasts are equal and reactive to light and accommodation.

21. Examination of ********* reveals that he is circus sized.

22. The lab test indicated abnormal lover function.

23. Skin: somewhat pale, but present.

24. The pelvic exam will be done later on the floor.

25. Patient has to teenage children, but no other abnormalities.

26. When she fainted, her eyes rolled around the room.

27. The patient was in his usual sstate of good health until his airplane ran out

of fuel and crashed.

28. Between you and me, we ought to be able to get this lady pregnant.

29. She slipped on the ice and apparently her legs went in separate directions

in early December.

30. By the time he was admitted, his rapid heart had stopped and he was feeling

better.
 
re: a monday pick me up contains adult humour

ATTORNEY: This myasthenia gravis, does it affect your memory at all?
WITNESS: Yes.
ATTORNEY: And in what ways does it affect your memory?
WITNESS: I forget.
ATTORNEY: You forget? Can you give us an example of something you forgot?
____________________________________

ATTORNEY: Now doctor, isn't it true that when a person dies in his sleep, he doesn't know about it until the next morning?
WITNESS: Did you actually pass the bar exam?
____________________________________

ATTORNEY: The youngest son, the twenty-year-old, how old is he?
WITNESS: He's twenty, much like your IQ.
___________________________________________

ATTORNEY: Were you present when your picture was taken?
WITNESS: Are you kidding me?
_________________________________________

ATTORNEY: So the date of conception (of the baby) was August 8th?
WITNESS: Yes.
ATTORNEY: And what were you doing at that time?
WITNESS: Do you have a better answer ?
____________________________________________

ATTORNEY: She had three children, right?
WITNESS: Yes.
ATTORNEY: How many were boys?
WITNESS: None.
ATTORNEY: Were there any girls?
WITNESS: Your Honor, I think I need a different attorney. Can I get a new attorney?
____________________________________________

ATTORNEY: How was your first marriage terminated?
WITNESS: By death.
ATTORNEY: And by whose death was it terminated?
WITNESS: Take a guess.
______________________________________

ATTORNEY: Can you describe the individual?
WITNESS: He was about medium height and had a beard.
ATTORNEY: Was this a male or a female?
WITNESS: Unless the Circus was in town I'm going with male.
_____________________________________

ATTORNEY: Is your appearance here this morning pursuant to a deposition notice which I sent to your attorney?
WITNESS: No, this is how I dress when I go to work.
______________________________________

ATTORNEY: Doctor, how many of your autopsies have you performed on dead people?
WITNESS: All of them. The live ones put up too much of a fight.
_________________________________________



ATTORNEY: ALL your responses MUST be oral, OK? What school did you go to?
WITNESS: Oral.
_________________________________________

ATTORNEY: Do you recall the time that you examined the body?
WITNESS: The autopsy started around 8:30 p.m.
ATTORNEY: And Mr. Denton was dead at the time?
WITNESS: If not, he was by the time I finished.
____________________________________________

ATTORNEY: Are you qualified to give a urine sample?
WITNESS: Are you qualified to ask that question?
______________________________________

And the best for last:

ATTORNEY: Doctor, before you performed the autopsy, did you check for a pulse?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: Did you check for blood pressure?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: Did you check for breathing?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: So, then it is possible that the patient was alive when you began the autopsy?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: How can you be so sure, Doctor?
WITNESS: Because his brain was sitting on my desk in a jar.
ATTORNEY: I see, but could the patient have still been alive, nevertheless?
WITNESS: Yes, it is possible that he could have been alive and practicing law
 
re: a monday pick me up contains adult humour

I've read those lawyer ones countless times and they still make me laugh.
 
re: a monday pick me up contains adult humour

Patient 9 was my favourite.
 
re: a monday pick me up contains adult humour

It's great being a British Gas shareholder.

If profits keep going up, I might make enough to pay my f'in gas bill.
 
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