a monday pick me up contains adult humour

[Barry98]

Woke up this morning and decided to cycle to work,
but when i went out it was slinging it down.
So i thought i'd go back to bed for 20 minutes.
When i got back in bed i decided to give the missus one from behind.
I said "its slinging it down out there" and she replied
" i know and that stupid sod is cycling to work"

 

[Billy Bob Bob]

 

[Billy Bob Bob]

 

[stani]

 

[stani]

 

[Atouchofgas]

Hurt my arm this mornin and had to go to hospital for an x-ray, as I was sitting waiting to be seen, the lad next to me says," Fair fae yer honest sonsieface! Great chieftain o' the puddin race!!" I was like, eh?!?!., I turned my head round to the the lady sat on my other side, she said, " ! Wee, sleekit, cow'rin, tim'rous beastie, O, what a panic's in thy breastie!" , As I grabbed the next doc walking past I said, "here mate is this the psychiatric ward?" He says," no this is the burns unit!
happy rabbie burns day

 

[stani]

 

[stani]

 

[stani]

 

[turnpin]

:biggrin:A woman went to the dentist and sat down in the chair dentist said you need a filling....oooh she said I'd much rather have a baby......dentist said make your mind up so I can adjust the seat....lol regards Turnpin

 

[joni os]

View attachment 28918

Many a true word spoken in jest.

 

[julesverne]

A man returns home a day early from a business trip. It's after midnight.
While en route home, he asks the cabby if he would be a witness.
The man suspects his wife is having an affair, and he wants to catch her
in the act.
For £100, the cabby agrees.
Quietly arriving home, the husband and cabby tip toe into the bedroom.
The husband switches on the lights, yanks the blanket back and there is
his wife in bed with another man!
The husband puts a gun to the naked man's head.
The wife shouts, 'Don't do it! I lied when I told you I inherited money.
HE paid for the Porsche I gave you.
HE paid for our new cabin cruiser.
HE paid for your football season ticket.
HE paid for our house at the lake.
HE paid for your African tour and even the 4 x 4.
HE paid for our country club membership, and he even pays my Credit Card
bill!'
Shaking his head from side-to-side, the husband lowers the gun. He looks
over at the cabby and says, 'What would you do?
The cabby replies, 'I'd cover him with that blanket before he catches a ******* cold....

 

[julesverne]

A man returns home a day early from a business trip. It's after midnight.
While en route home, he asks the cabby if he would be a witness.
The man suspects his wife is having an affair, and he wants to catch her
in the act.
For £100, the cabby agrees.
Quietly arriving home, the husband and cabby tip toe into the bedroom.
The husband switches on the lights, yanks the blanket back and there is
his wife in bed with another man!
The husband puts a gun to the naked man's head.
The wife shouts, 'Don't do it! I lied when I told you I inherited money.
HE paid for the Porsche I gave you.
HE paid for our new cabin cruiser.
HE paid for your football season ticket.
HE paid for our house at the lake.
HE paid for your African tour and even the 4 x 4.
HE paid for our country club membership, and he even pays my Credit Card
bill!'
Shaking his head from side-to-side, the husband lowers the gun. He looks
over at the cabby and says, 'What would you do?
The cabby replies, 'I'd cover him with that blanket before he catches a ******* cold....

 

[stani]

 

[stani]

 

[stani]

 

[stani]

 

[stani]

 

[PlumbBobBob]

A bloke starts his new job at the zoo and is given three tasks. First is to clear the exotic fish pool of weeds. As he does this a huge fish jumps out and bites him. To show who is boss, he beats it to death with a spade. Realizing his employer won't be best pleased he disposes of the fish by feeding it to the lions, as lions will eat anything. Moving on to the second job of clearing out the Chimp house, he is attacked by the chimps that pelt him with coconuts. He swipes at two chimps with a spade killing them both. What can he do? Feed them to the lions, he says to himself, because lions eat anything... He hurls the corpses into the lion enclosure. He moves on to the last job which is to collect honey from the South American Bees. As soon as he starts he is attacked by the bees. He grabs the spade and smashes the bees to a pulp. By now he knows what to do and shovels them into the lions cage because lions eat anything. Later that day a new lion arrives at the zoo.. He wanders up to another lion and says "What's the food like here?" The lions say: "Absolutely brilliant, today we had Fish and Chimps with Mushy Bees!

 

[stani]

 

[turnpin]

Fella goes home and asks his wife..fancy trying a new position she agrees right he says lets both strip off and with you facing away from me wrap your left leg around mine then do the same with your right now lets do the same with our arms and there she is having the ride of her life after awhile they collapse in a sweaty heap and she says wow that's the best sex I've ever had with you where did you learn to do that?....oh he replied your sister showed me last night......:rofl:....regards Turnpin

 

[AlexGas]

[video=youtube;Rpksg6FjShE]https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Rpksg6FjShE[/video]

 

[stani]

 

[SimonG]

Are zebras white with black stripes or black with white stripes?

 

[stani]

 

[stani]

 

[stani]

 

[stani]

For the dog owner amongst us.